Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Hope Over Experience



How to get through a pregnancy with sanity and grace when the calendar is marked by gravestones of past failed pregnancies? The eight week marker, twelve week marker, the nuchal fold test, the 20 week anatomy scan....
I have watched my patients rob themselves of the joy of pregnancy; of the "ooh, ooh our baby!”- Frantic instead of ecstatic at each sonogram. How to overcome the fear of loss and bond with the growing fetus when every turn lurks loss and danger? Trust is hard to come by but indeed, necessary.
Celebrate each marker, every turning point, and acknowledge that life outside the womb is also a scary place. We handle those with ease (usually) but as it pertains to those entrusted to our care, what mind shift must take place to garner a bit of that pregnancy bliss? Perhaps it starts with teaching the child in utero from the very beginning, that we ride the wave of life despite what and where it tosses us. 

- Kira

Saturday, October 25, 2014

That Awkward Moment

A reader reminded me of a rather unfortunate situation that can occur after a miscarriage; the moment you run into someone, usually a casual acquaintance, who asks how your baby is. Oy. Total nightmare. This reader confessed that it happened to her recently and she was so tongue tied, she almost fainted with relief when her husband swooped in and rescued her from the conversation- and  presumably headed for the bar. A few years back I was face to face with an inquiring friend of a friend, who without knowing, casually asked how motherhood was going.  I had not seen this particular person in over a year, and didn't even realize that this was something that I was going to have to confront that evening. Luckily I had a glass of wine in my system already and was able to calmly state that "unfortunately things didn't go as planned". She was unable to find the words to respond so I just told her not to worry about it and then excused myself. It was totally awful and horrible and sort of felt like a punch to the gut. This is just one of those things that you don't really think about after a late pregnancy loss. Sure, you have to brace yourself and have those conversations with friends, family and colleagues immediately after the horrific loss, but months or even years later you don't realize that it can creep back up when you least expect it.  Awkward indeed.

- Jennifer

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Don't Judge Me

So October 15th, Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, came and went along with all my good intentions. A few weeks ago I wrote of this day of remembrance and how I was planning to light a candle as a way to honor my own miscarriage history. Did I do that? Nope! I did however read an incredibly honest piece by Dr. Jessica Zucker in the New York Times (you can find if here) and I even retweeted it on Twitter, so I guess I did accomplish something. But why didn't I truly take the time as I had intended? Sure I had a very busy day which had me at all corners of Manhattan, but when I returned home last evening I could have at the very least lit a candle. I mistakenly identified my ambivalence for healing, I have moved on- finally! Well in the light of day I realized that I have not moved on, I have however moved back into my pattern of attempting to erase anything that I deem "unpleasant". Me! The person that started a blog on pregnancy loss! The person that is constantly making declarations that we must be "more honest", blah blah blah. Well, if there is one thing that October 15th did, it made me realize that the road to healing is a long one indeed. I guess no one is perfect- even the person writing this blog.
I hope all of you were able to find your own way to honor your own history yesterday.

- Jennifer

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Grief in Five Steps

With Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day just around the corner (October 15th), we wanted to share with you a great piece written by Psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker. It "reframes pregnancy loss" and we feel hits every feeling that most women expeience and struggle with. Please find the link below and tell us your thoughts. Also, will any of you be doing something to honor or remember your previous pregnancy losses? If so we would love to hear how you have chosen to do so...

http://modernloss.com/pregnancy-loss/

-Jennifer and Kira

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Grey Area

A lot of times after a pregnancy loss you feel the urge to isolate and blame yourself- all perfectly natural reactions. There is also the tendency to feel as though it is "you vs. them", the "them" being those who seem to have no problem with their pregnancies. After reading this piece on medium.com I realized that things are not always so black and white, so we wanted to share this with all of you.

- Jennifer & Kira

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Landmine

We have not written a "Landmine" post in quite a while, and to be honest I am not even sure if this is considered one. You might (correctly) classify this as me just bitching- and you would probably be right. But, a few weeks ago I found myself in a doctor's office, and on the other side of the curtain I could hear a woman and her husband having a conversation with their nurse- so much for patient confidentiality!  Anyway it was for my benefit, because listening to this woman first caused me to roll my eyes, then I was tempted to pull back the curtain and channel Cher from Moonstruck by smacking her in the face while screaming, "Snap out of it!"  I am not one to gossip, BUT it appears this woman had a very big problem, the "big" part of this story was her baby. The nurse apparently made the mistake of noting that the baby she was about to give birth to at any moment, was a little "on the bigger side". Well, that threw this 100 lb woman into such a state you would have thought they found out her child was half dragon.  She kept saying, "But how can this be? I workout and eat really healthy! I do SoulCycle! Why is my baby almost 8lbs! I don't understand!!!" This went on for 10 minutes. Then it got me thinking- the last several years of heartache have no doubt been extremely difficult, but in a way I am really thankful for the lessons I have learned, because when you go through the absolute worst you really start to appreciate the smallest of gestures. I felt for this woman, she was so stuck in her own world and unable to see what an absolute gift she was being given, a big healthy baby, that all she could do was focus on the optics of it all. There are some days when I look back and wish I could erase all that has happened, all the tears and sadness, but on that particular day I said a big thank you- because I know when I have my moment of being close to giving birth I will be eternally grateful- big baby and all.

- Jennifer

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Fifteen Stories

You guys have to read this article from New York Magazine. They spoke with fifteen women regarding their own miscarriages, and it is as heartbreaking as it is eye opening. I think all of us here are very well aware that this is a topic not discussed nearly enough, so hats off to the writer for bringing these incredible stories to the public. I am sure it was not easy for these women to share their experiences, but as we all know, sharing sometimes helps bring healing.

Jennifer