Don't Judge Me

So October 15th, Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, came and went along with all my good intentions. A few weeks ago I wrote of this day of remembrance and how I was planning to light a candle as a way to honor my own miscarriage history. Did I do that? Nope! I did however read an incredibly honest piece by Dr. Jessica Zucker in the New York Times (you can find if here) and I even retweeted it on Twitter, so I guess I did accomplish something. But why didn't I truly take the time as I had intended? Sure I had a very busy day which had me at all corners of Manhattan, but when I returned home last evening I could have at the very least lit a candle. I mistakenly identified my ambivalence for healing, I have moved on- finally! Well in the light of day I realized that I have not moved on, I have however moved back into my pattern of attempting to erase anything that I deem "unpleasant". Me! The person that started a blog on pregnancy loss! The person that is constantly making declarations that we must be "more honest", blah blah blah. Well, if there is one thing that October 15th did, it made me realize that the road to healing is a long one indeed. I guess no one is perfect- even the person writing this blog.
I hope all of you were able to find your own way to honor your own history yesterday.

- Jennifer

October 15th

Yesterday I was on Twitter and noticed someone posted a note on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which this year falls on October 15th. I must admit my ignorance as I never heard of this particular day of observance. I was intrigued and did a little research; I went on to learn that this was a movement designated by President Ronald Reagan all the way back in 1988. In addition, the month of October was also designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The day itself became one of remembrance and observance in 2002 and has spread throughout not only the United States but also the UK, Canada, Australia and Italy. The day is observed with ceremonies and candle-lighting and a worldwide lighting of candles occurs at 7pm.
I was really touched when I read more about this particular day and thought it would be of interest to some of you. Throughout the year certain "anniversaries" pop up and memories of a pregnancy loss and the subsequent grief that followed, can cast a pall over the day or even an entire season. I know for me, after a late and devastating miscarriage in November of 2010, autumn (which used to be my favorite time of year) is one I have started to hate. For me it just feels eerie and there are one too many awful memories associated with the fall season. In the past I never really knew how to channel all of that sadness, perhaps this year I will turn it around and light a candle on October 15th, not just for the soul that didn't make it, but for all the others.
Everyone handles grief and mourning in their own way, and some don't recognize it at all (ahem). But perhaps this year it will be comforting to know that on one special day there will be millions of other women lighting candles and taking a moment to recognize their losses and the pain they have triumphed over. Maybe it will give all of you not only a little bit of inspiration, but peace as well.

- Jennifer