How to Not Have a Breakdown

Let me clarify, as we actually encourage breakdowns- they kind of get you back to neutral don't you think? The breakdown I am speaking of is the one that barrels down on you after your close friend announces she is pregnant. Maybe you know the feeling? You just had a miscarriage, or several, and during what is supposed to be a fun night out you notice your dear friend doesn't order a glass of wine. And she always orders a glass of wine. Immediately your mind starts to go haywire because you know exactly what this means. So you start to rehearse your escape route- if you can make a dash for the door now perhaps you won't have to hear the words coming out of her mouth. But all of the sudden it's happening and you can't stop it. You force a smile, gulp your tears down and give her a hug- while reaching for your wine as quickly as possible. If she isn't drinking someone should, and that someone should be you! You make it through your dinner, trying to ask thoughtful questions and carry on as though you aren't bothered in the least, but you are counting down the minutes when you can sprint out of the restaurant, jump in a cab and start crying. I have been there so many times I can't even count at this point. And I'm not the only one, as I have seen my husband try to maneuver his way around this situation (with a bit more grace then me) on several occasions. Let's face it, it's not easy. Hopefully your friend is gentle in her delivery and understands how awkward this is for you. But, there is a change in dynamic that neither of you can deny. So how do you get through this, besides avoiding your friend for nine months (which by the way I have done- not the best strategy). Below is an attempt to help all of you avoid the mistakes I made in the past:

• Let it All Out. Jump into that cab and cry, then go home and throw a few things. You have to process these feelings- just make sure your blinds are closed.

• Be Honest. Once you have "processed your feelings", perhaps it is time for a little heart to heart with your friend. When you are ready, start off by saying how happy you are for her, but then explain that this is going to be a bit of a learning curve for both of you. You will try your best to be the good friend you are, but help her understand that there may be some difficult moments along the way.

• Be Honest: Part Two. Acknowledge you are going to have a few moments where some unpleasant characters are going to rear their ugly head (namely jealousy and anger). It's bound to happen, just be gentle with yourself.

• Know Thyself. If you know attending certain baby-to-be events are going to upset you, be up front with your friend and tell her it might not be the best venue for you. Believe me, she will understand. Also, no one wants someone crying in the corner eating all the cake.

•  Find an Outlet: Your friend is soon going to be sporting a baby bump and experiencing moments that you imagined for yourself; which makes this experience that much more heart-wrenching for you. It will stir up emotions that you thought you were long over and bring up new ones you didn't know you had. Find a neutral friend, a really good therapist, or your own partner to work through those feelings with. Believe it or not, this is all going to help you heal. The universe has a funny way of letting you know when you haven't fully gotten over something by getting right in your face.

In the end, remember you are both human and this is a tricky situation. You have been through hell and back and most likely your expecting friend was by your side along the way. If you both come from a place of honesty and love (for one another and yourself) it can end up strengthening your friendship. And if all else fails, a few glasses of wine never hurt anyone.

- Jennifer

I Choose My Choice!

Sorry for the Sex and the City reference, I couldn't help myself. But let's be honest, don't all roads lead back to Sex and the City?
One of the things Kira and I hope we convey through this blog is not only "finding the gold", unearthing a silver lining in an otherwise bleak situation, but also show examples of two women who have experienced similar situations, who then took different paths. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to find a way to make this all work, while Kira and her husband bravely decided that in the end what mattered most was they had one another, and went on to build a beautiful and fulfilling life together. There is no one way to live a life, but if you are willing to be authentic to yourself, then you have the opportunity to live your best one. The volatile ride of baby making can be utterly exhausting. It is depleting emotionally, physically as well as financially. Choosing your choice, your truest one imaginable (whatever that may be), is always the bravest and most rewarding action you can ever take.
I recently had this epiphany after speaking with a woman I was serendipitously introduced to. She and her husband experienced tremendous fertility issues years ago, before the majority of medical advances we are so fortunate to take part in today were widely available. She and her husband decided they could live a rich life without children and went on to do just that. Each has experienced incredible success in their respective careers and they fill their life with adventure and deep personal connections. She went on to say, even though they don’t have their own children and she is not a "mother" in the traditional sense; she has cultivated relationships with people of all ages that find her in a maternal role. This has been incredibly satisfying; despite the fact this kind of mother is not necessarily recognized in our society. I asked if there was ever a moment of regret, she went on to say there were times early on when she felt "less than" by certain people, but realized that perhaps those weren't the relationships she needed in her life. Once she and her husband created the supportive "family" they now have they never looked back. It was an inspiring conversation, one I continue to think of to this day. I realized that regardless of the individual choices we make concerning motherhood and our own fertility struggles, and whether or not we choose to have children, adopt or take advantage of science to help us conceive, supporting one another is what it's all about.  There is plenty of room for all of us at the table. What a beautiful thing!

- Jennifer

Baby Shower Anxiety

Over the last week or so we have received a few emails from fellow readers all on the same topic: baby showers. Some have expressed anxiety over shopping for a baby gift after their own miscarriage, and some have found it difficult to imagine sitting next to a heavily pregnant friend "oohing" and "ahhing" over burp cloths and breast pumps. I feel your pain. Since my first miscarriage four years ago I have been invited to my fair share of baby showers, baptisms and "meet the baby" parties. Before I met Kira I went to all of them (even if the end result was me hysterically crying in the back of a cab, shoving pacifier shaped cookies in my mouth). I remember the dread I felt after receiving numerous baby shower invitations, which somehow always arrived after my own pregnancy loss. One day I mentioned to Kira I had a friend's shower to attend, and I was feeling particularly anxious about it. I remember exactly what happened next.  She looked me in the eye and confidently said, "Don't go! Give yourself permission to not go!" I looked at her as if she was some sort of heretic. Of course I had to go! It was so-and-so's shower; I couldn't NOT go. So I kept RSVP'ing "Yes", put on a happy face and showed up. But after I experienced an 18 week miscarriage everything changed. I couldn't keep up the facade any longer and let's face it; it would have been a thinly veiled attempt that everyone would have seen right through.  I realized Kira was on to something, I didn't have to go. More than that my true friends would not only understand, but wouldn't want me to experience any more emotional discomfort or sadness than I already experienced. So I started to RSVP "No" with a kind note and then I would send a baby blanket. FYI: I have found these gifts to be pretty benign in the emotional heart strings department. Baby blankets aren't adorable little booties. They aren't sweet little outfits from Crewcuts. Catch my drift? Baby blankets- that's where it's at. Better yet, have a friend send it for you.
I'm sure some people rolled their eyes and found my absence to be "melodramatic". But for the first time in my life I didn't care.  I started making decisions based on what felt best for me, not on what I "should" do and what was "expected".
The takeaway here? Listen to yourself. If the idea of playing "celebrity baby name" games and passing around baby food processors make you want to put a hot poker in your eye, stay home. But if you do choose to go, at least snag a few cookies on your way out the door. Those might come in handy.

- Jennifer

Landmines

This week I thought I would share with you a "landmine" I walked into several years ago. It was an interaction that I had with an old friend after another devastating pregnancy loss. We were in conversation, discussing what had just happened to me, when she nonchalantly (and obliviously) asked. "Why don't you just adopt?" She completely stopped me in my tracks. In my mind that was just the sort of "fixing" comment that I dreaded the most. My friend made it seem that they were just giving babies away for free! No mountain of paperwork, buckets of money, or trauma of paying for a pregnancy only to have the birth mother renege. Free babies right this way! What I needed in that moment was a hug and to hear, "I'm sorry."  Instead I felt as if she hurled a grenade right at my heart. Looking back, what I have found most interesting, was that some people around me were incredibly annoyed that I didn't heed their advice and run to the nearest adoption agency.  Alas, if only they knew years of fertility treatments can sort of tie someone's finances up.  Needless to say, these people were part of what I like to call "The Great Narcissistic Friend Purge". It was sad of course, but a necessary move which eventually made room for some incredible people.


- Kira

You're Pregnant? Great! See You in 20 Years

I was talking with an old friend of mine on the phone the other day when she asked if I had seen/spoken to a mutual friend who just announced her pregnancy. I said that I will catch up with said friend when her kid is in high school. She laughed, I laughed, but secretly I was thinking, "Wait, why CAN'T I wait 14 years?"
After any trauma there is a certain amount of what I will call "down time" that I think is completely acceptable. And that definitely goes for after a miscarriage. In my opinion, you can do whatever you want, eat whatever you want and say whatever you want. You can avoid any and all social gatherings without feeling a pang of guilt. But at a certain point you eventually have to come around, whether you like it or not. I am sort of in that stage right now. It's been four months since my last pregnancy loss and I am still kind of acting like it just happened. I am living in a land of woe is me with a passport and one-way ticket to bitterness. Which brings me back to my point; I am eventually going to have to interact with humanity, specifically those who are pregnant. I don't look forward to them patting their bulging stomachs while hearing all about their hemorrhoids, swollen feet and insomnia. Side note: Who knew that I would actually be sort of jealous of someone having hemorrhoids? But I do know that if I don't come back to the land of the living (and pregnant) soon I may not have any friends to come back to.

- Jennifer

In Response

I wanted to respond to Jennifer's post since I think it brings up a very sensitive issue that can be difficult to handle. Let me share my experience regarding friendships and miscarriage; I hope that it helps you with your relationships.
Let me start by saying I have truly wonderful friends, however, the friends who eventually disappeared from my life were the ones who felt that they had to offer a "fix" for the miscarriage, and then got annoyed with me if I declined their "help" which were suggestions such as these:  "Why don't you just adopt?" or "Just think of the fun you'll have trying again!" or "Why don't you just give it up? "
Anything that wreaked of fixing was suspect to me. When someone asked how I was or what was new, I would hesitate answering. Were I truthful I was possibly subjecting my sensitive and raw self to insensitive "fixing" suggestions when all I needed was a hug, a bit of sympathy and a willingness to listen. Mind you I was not wallowing in grief or self pity, I was understandably sad and most likely waiting for my raging pregnancy hormones to die down. In the end, the friends I kept were not narcissistic and behaved in a related and compassionate way. And while I work with pregnant women with joy, I give myself permission not to attend baby showers. Ever.
My advice? Continually give yourself permission to avoid "shoulds". For example, just because your friend had a baby doesn't mean you "should" visit her in the hospital. Always check in with your heart and react from truth. In the end it is important to be good to yourself, no punishment. Some situations might end up being a lot easier than you can imagine if you come from a place of honesty.

- Kira

Why Can't We Be Friends?

If you are anything like me, one of the biggest challenges through all of this has been; How do I  keep my friendships going when I am the only person without children? How do I have dinner with my friend who is seven months pregnant without wanting to cry and/or throw up? How do I feign excitement for my friend who announces that she is pregnant for the first time, even when "It was definitely not something they wanted right now."
My tactic has been avoidance. Avoidance at all costs. You want to have dinner? Oh sorry, already have plans. You are having a birthday party with a group of people that are pregnant and/or have children? No thanks! Would rather put my head through a wall.
I know that this isn't exactly healthy or mature, but it's the only way I know how to deal. There is a level of self-preservation that is necessary in my opinion- but maybe the execution needs a little work.
Would love to know your thoughts. How do you keep your friendships while also being good to yourself and honoring your own needs?

- Jennifer