That Awkward Moment

A reader reminded me of a rather unfortunate situation that can occur after a miscarriage; the moment you run into someone, usually a casual acquaintance, who asks how your baby is. Oy. Total nightmare. This reader confessed that it happened to her recently and she was so tongue tied, she almost fainted with relief when her husband swooped in and rescued her from the conversation- and  presumably headed for the bar. A few years back I was face to face with an inquiring friend of a friend, who without knowing, casually asked how motherhood was going.  I had not seen this particular person in over a year, and didn't even realize that this was something that I was going to have to confront that evening. Luckily I had a glass of wine in my system already and was able to calmly state that "unfortunately things didn't go as planned". She was unable to find the words to respond so I just told her not to worry about it and then excused myself. It was totally awful and horrible and sort of felt like a punch to the gut. This is just one of those things that you don't really think about after a late pregnancy loss. Sure, you have to brace yourself and have those conversations with friends, family and colleagues immediately after the horrific loss, but months or even years later you don't realize that it can creep back up when you least expect it.  Awkward indeed.

- Jennifer

Reading Yourself Back to Health

About two years ago, after suffering through another miscarriage, I was feeling incredibly low. All the usual suspects were around- grief, anger, bitterness, depression- and nothing could pull me out of the abyss. One day I ran into a friend who told me about the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I was totally turned off by the hokey title and I kept telling her I would buy it, even though the promise was completely hollow and I had no intention of reading something that sounded so hippy dippy. Lo and behold, later that day I found myself downloading the book and reading it immediately. I was secretly ashamed, I kept thinking that I had sunk to a new low by immersing myself in what I referred to as "self-help crap", but once I let my guard down and allowed the book to work its magic I quickly realized that perhaps I was a bit too quick to judge. The book centers around how our thoughts (negative or positive) can have a direct impact on our physical well-being and how old emotional pain and unchecked emotions can really do a number on your health. I was amazed with the way Louise Hay explained the mind-body connection and her own story, which is remarkable. At the back of the book is an incredible reference guide of every physical ailment known to man and the possible underlying emotional issue that could be causing it, along with a corresponding meditation/ affirmation that can help you along your way. That book is still one of the best purchases I have made, and not only do I find myself going back to it time and time again, I have recommended it to others who all end up in agreement that it really is a life changer. When you are at your lowest point perhaps you are more open to things you never thought you would be. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for this little gem- it got me through some really dark days and perhaps it can be a helpful friend to some of you.

- Jennifer

Mother's Day

Ah, that time of year again. I actually used to leave the country and head to Italy, an attempt to escape the constant barrage of Mother's Day advertisements; a double whammy for me as my own mother died 40 years ago. But then Italy began celebrating its own version of  "La Giorno Della Donna" and it was, as Sartre would say, huis clos, "no exit". That was the turning point for me. Instead of being trapped in the abyss of accumulated loss, I challenged myself to transform the energy of the day. I have turned this holiday into a self-mothering day and ultimately I made it work me. Transformation is not only powerful, but empowering! I wish the same for all of you on this day...

- Kira

A Little Birdie Just Told Me....

That we are on Twitter! @FindingtheGold1 to be exact. Let's keep the conversation going shall we? Looking forward to seeing all of you there!

xx
Jennifer & Kira

Bump Watch

Does anyone else get really annoyed when a celebrity announces that they are having a baby? For some reason I become enraged and, admittedly, completely irrational. I actually said to my husband, "I can't believe Drew Barrymore, "Little Girl Lost", is having her second (fill in the blank) baby before I even had my first!"  He sort of just looked at me quizzically and (rightly so) kept his mouth shut.
I can't help but take it very personally. I literally think to myself, "How dare Drew decide to get pregnant. Doesn't she know that I have to have MY baby before SHE does!? She's so rude!" For the record I love Drew Barrymore, which goes to show how crazy I can get. And if it is a particularly busy week where multiple celebs confirm to Access Hollywood that they are expecting, well I pretty much lose my shit.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Or at least lie to me and make me feel better.

Case in point (though there are multiple reasons why this makes me lose my mind).


- Jennifer

Fear Factor

I take a walk in Central Park just about every morning. It is something I look forward to and it allows me a bit of alone time to sort through some of my “craziness”. This morning I happened to have two pregnant women walking behind me.  I overheard one of them giddily discussing nursery ideas and how she found really cute pregnancy clothes for herself. Normally in this situation I would "pull over" and let these two go ahead of me, but for some reason I decided against it. Listening to them talk of their wardrobe and nursery plans made me realize how I wish I could be that kind of woman. For someone like me, who has been pregnant several (unsuccessful) times, I have sadly become aware that if/when I do get pregnant again, the enthusiasm and buoyancy that most new mom's-to-be experience will most likely not be in the cards. A positive pregnancy test is thrilling for about 2.5 seconds, before the dread and worry set it in. Is this going to end up like all the others? Will my HCG count stay high? Will my progesterone levels dip? Will there be a heartbeat during my sonogram? The idea of being (somewhat) worry free and unaware of all the ways a pregnancy can go wrong is completely foreign to me. Discussing nursery ideas out loud with such certainty is so off the wall, I couldn't even imagine how to go about having that conversation. Of all the sad things that come with pregnancy loss, one of the hardest is realizing the innocence of a first time pregnancy is completely gone. Sure I will have moments of excitement but those will be fleeting, as the inevitable anxiety will set in. How I wish to be one of those women, pregnant and strutting around, not having to shoot themselves up with blood thinners and keep calendar reminders of the 10 different medications necessary to have a healthy pregnancy. How I wish to be one of those women without a care in the world, besides what color the nursery will be and who makes the best organic baby products. How I wish to be one of those women who feels relief after the three month mark, instead of deep unease of what the next six could bring. Hopefully my day will come where I can experience endless pregnancy joy, but until then I think I need to start listening to music during those walks of mine.

- Jennifer

Dispatch from the Waiting Room

Sitting in my gynecologist's office waiting for my yearly exam, I am surrounded by couples who are breathlessly anticipating their visit with their unborn child via sonogram. Women with big bellies in various stages of pregnancy sit, albeit somewhat uncomfortably, lulled by the baby they hold within. For every Cosmo magazine or Bon Appétit there are at least three or four new mother publications featuring big fat babies on the cover. Memories come flooding back of all my years spent undergoing fertility treatments and following high-risk pregnancies, swinging from sonogram to sonogram until there was no heartbeat.  I immediately recognize that I have got to get out of here as soon as possible. I fight with the nurse about being weighed, "No, I really weigh myself every day so there is no need". Because let's be honest, weight is not my issue. I am now forced to consult with my doctor on a regular basis to discuss how vigilant I need to be given all my years undergoing fertility treatments. The beating my ovaries took due to all the hyper stimulation drugs, over the course of years, can cause ovarian cancer which is virtually symptomless until stage four.  This is my new reality, finding ways to ensure I don't get the dreaded disease which is the frightening side effect of the "disease" of infertility. As I explained to my husband, back then the science wasn't what it is today, no one knew what our desperate years could bring. A new reality indeed.

- Kira

Oh No He Didn't!

Have all of you read this article on Slate.com about taxing the childless? I read it this morning, after Brian Lehrer on WNYC mentioned he would be speaking with the author. To say I was shocked and horrified is an understatement. Please explain to me why those without children should be penalized?  It's bad enough that society makes us feel "less than" because we don't have children, but now the author thinks the tax code should be against us too?
I would love to hear all your thoughts on this article. Do you think this is a fair proposal?

- Jennifer

Inspiration

Just a little inspiration from the two of us to all of you.
xx
Jennifer and Kira

                                                Found on a-slice-of-awesome.tumblr.com

Landmines

Over the years Kira and I have laughed at either people or situations that have seriously made us wonder if the universe was conspiring against us. There have been so many instances where both of us have had conversations with people that left us scratching our heads thinking, "Did she really say that?" So there came a point when I started to keep a list of what I affectionately called "Landmines".  These situations have at times made me feel even worse about being a repeater in terms of pregnancy loss, but in hindsight also made me chuckle. So, we thought it would be kind of fun/ funny to include them here on our blog. If any of you have some real winners please feel free to share. Hopefully these will make you laugh and feel a little less alone, or at the very least start to question the intelligence of some people. This week I will start with one that still makes me say "Hmmmmm."


After having had three miscarriages, one of them in my 2nd trimester, an old friend of mine sent me a 5 minute PowerPoint presentation announcing her third pregnancy complete with ultrasound images set to music that was one part Enya and one part Celine Dion. Which in my opinion equals horrendous on all fronts.

- Jennifer

Why Can't We Be Friends?

If you are anything like me, one of the biggest challenges through all of this has been; How do I  keep my friendships going when I am the only person without children? How do I have dinner with my friend who is seven months pregnant without wanting to cry and/or throw up? How do I feign excitement for my friend who announces that she is pregnant for the first time, even when "It was definitely not something they wanted right now."
My tactic has been avoidance. Avoidance at all costs. You want to have dinner? Oh sorry, already have plans. You are having a birthday party with a group of people that are pregnant and/or have children? No thanks! Would rather put my head through a wall.
I know that this isn't exactly healthy or mature, but it's the only way I know how to deal. There is a level of self-preservation that is necessary in my opinion- but maybe the execution needs a little work.
Would love to know your thoughts. How do you keep your friendships while also being good to yourself and honoring your own needs?

- Jennifer

No Exit

Because I use unscented baby wipes for make up removal and many daily chores, including the cleaning of my aged cat, I have a smiley baby stare up at me multiple times a day.  I joyfully work with pregnant women in my practice, helping them through pregnancies and adjusting them as their center of gravity changes. I also help others through fertility treatments and have attended 14 births. But it's the packaging of these baby wipes that are a daily reminder of what I don't have smiling up at me.
There was a time when I would flee the country to Italy to escape Mother's Day, then Italy started celebrating the holiday. No escape.

- Kira

How did I get here? - By Jennifer

Sometimes I really do feel like I am in that Talking Heads song "Once In a Lifetime". After each miscarriage my husband and I have both said aloud, "How did we get here?!" Seriously. Most days it still doesn't make sense to us. We are healthy, vibrant people in our mid-thirties; Why isn't this happening for us the way we thought?  Why is it so difficult for me when it seems so effortless to everyone else?
I was fortunate enough to be introduced to Kira through my in-laws, not knowing at the time how important she would end up being to both me and my husband. After my first miscarriage I had the bizarre feeling that I should ring her up for a chat, turned out we had a lot more in common than I could have ever imagined. After each of my six miscarriages she has helped me get back on my feet, sometimes literally, and encouraged me to understand how important it is to truly heal from these traumas, not just put a band-aid on them and forget that they happened. It was after my fourth loss that I realized maybe something a bit bigger was going on, and maybe, just maybe, I can use my experiences to help others. I didn't see a lot out there providing helpful and hopeful information for people in my situation, just a lot of scare tactics, anxiety fueled message boards, and sometimes dismissive literature. Fortunately Kira was on board (because without her input this blog would really just be me complaining a lot). So, here we are trying to rip off the band-aid and share our experiences and journeys, hoping to help all of you to do the same.

I'm not much of a "quote" person, but I saw this on Pinterest and thought it perfectly captured "finding the gold" in an otherwise horrible situation. If anyone knows who wrote it please let me know, I would love to give credit where credit is due.

Welcome! Who are we?

This blog was created for the millions of women and their partners overcoming, or who have overcome, the devastating loss of a pregnancy or multiple pregnancies.  Sadly we are part of this not- so- cool club, and after experiencing over 20 losses between the two of us, you can kind of say we have been there and done that. We have heard the insensitive comments from doctors and friends, we have answered some of THE stupidest questions (more on that later) and we have seen how those closest to us completely disappoint in the area of empathy. We have read books by prominent doctors and healers disregard pregnancy loss as a minor event, something to ignore and quickly forget. It is because of these experiences that we have a pretty good idea of what we want for this blog and a whole hell of a lot we don't want it to be.

We will not dictate which tests to get done and which doctor to see.  We will not bombard you with a series of questions such as: "Did you get genetic testing done?", "Did you see Dr. XYZ?” "Is there something wrong with you or your husband"? (That one is our personal favorite),  "So and so has a friend of a friend who can't have a baby, you guys should talk!" No. We are not about whipping you into a frenzied state of anxiety, while subtly insinuating there is something "wrong" with you and/or your partner. Our motivation is to dole out hope and healing, because we have been there many, many... many times. And if there is one thing we know, it's that what is needed is comfort. Our goal is to help you find the gold in your life (no matter how dark it seems) and the knowledge that the one thing you can control during this incredibly screwed up time is how you treat your emotional and physical self. Of course, a little bit of self- deprecating humor never hurt anyone. 

We invite comments of all kinds (sort of, be nice people!).  Hopefully between all of us we can shut down one of the last taboos in women's health and take ownership of our own health and healing without apology.