Landmines

The most annoying post-miscarriage activity on the planet is any kind of social event.  That is because social events are usually comprised of a few people you don't know. Strangers if you will. And those strangers are the biggest landmine known to man.  They will ask you question after question not realizing how uncomfortable you are in your own skin at that given moment. Of course I can't blame them; they are doing their job as a guest, attempting to feign curiosity. I, however, have zero interest in them. Maintaining a smile and pretending to be impressed by anything they have to say is utterly exhausting. Usually what bothers me most is this line of questioning: Oh is that your husband? Oh you guys are cute, how long have you been married? Wow! Do you guys have kids? Oh. Why not? Don't you want children?  Now, it usually depends on what kind of mood I'm in and how annoying the person asking the question is. If he/she (usually a she) is particularly irritating I may for a split second think of answering honestly just to make them uncomfortable; my little way of getting back at them for their obvious lack of etiquette. But most times I just stand there and stumble my way through some sort of coherent answer. Can we just agree that asking someone why they don’t have children is one of the most distasteful questions in the book? Maybe next time, if I am feeling particularly frisky, I will ask the offending individual why her mother didn’t teach her better manners.

- Jennifer

Landmines

This week I thought I would share with you a "landmine" I walked into several years ago. It was an interaction that I had with an old friend after another devastating pregnancy loss. We were in conversation, discussing what had just happened to me, when she nonchalantly (and obliviously) asked. "Why don't you just adopt?" She completely stopped me in my tracks. In my mind that was just the sort of "fixing" comment that I dreaded the most. My friend made it seem that they were just giving babies away for free! No mountain of paperwork, buckets of money, or trauma of paying for a pregnancy only to have the birth mother renege. Free babies right this way! What I needed in that moment was a hug and to hear, "I'm sorry."  Instead I felt as if she hurled a grenade right at my heart. Looking back, what I have found most interesting, was that some people around me were incredibly annoyed that I didn't heed their advice and run to the nearest adoption agency.  Alas, if only they knew years of fertility treatments can sort of tie someone's finances up.  Needless to say, these people were part of what I like to call "The Great Narcissistic Friend Purge". It was sad of course, but a necessary move which eventually made room for some incredible people.


- Kira

Landmines

In keeping with our weekly "Landmines" feature I thought I would lighten the mood after yesterday's post. Below is a pretty excruciating (and kind of hilarious) exchange I had with a doctor a few years ago. You just can't make this stuff up!

Scene: The maternal fetal health department of a certain well known NYC hospital.  My OB sent me to have a 3D ultrasound due to a scare I had that week.

Me: (Lying on the table, freaking out but trying to be calm and NOT looking at the ultrasound monitor).

"Doctor": Hmmmmmmm well, there's no heartbeat. What a bummer.

Me: I'm sorry what?

"Doctor": Yup, no heartbeat. Man that is such a bummer. 

Me: (Trying to not cry, throw up or wring her neck- not necessarily in that order) Are you kidding me?

"Doctor": Wish I was. But you have kids already right?

Me: Ummmm no.

"Doctor": Oh man. How old are you? 33? You don't have ANY kids? Oh that is terrible. You are going to need to get this taken care of immediately by the way. It really is such a bummer (she makes a sad face).

Me: Uhhh yeah you could say that.

SO, that happened. But guess what also happened later that same day? After replaying the interaction over and over in my head, I had this overwhelming urge that I MUST help women in my situation. This doctor made it clear that women who suffer from pregnancy loss are sadly misunderstood and often overlooked, sometimes even by their own health care providers. Looking back I am actually grateful for that exchange; without it I don't know if this blog would exist. Talk about "finding the gold" huh?

- Jennifer

Landmines

Over the years Kira and I have laughed at either people or situations that have seriously made us wonder if the universe was conspiring against us. There have been so many instances where both of us have had conversations with people that left us scratching our heads thinking, "Did she really say that?" So there came a point when I started to keep a list of what I affectionately called "Landmines".  These situations have at times made me feel even worse about being a repeater in terms of pregnancy loss, but in hindsight also made me chuckle. So, we thought it would be kind of fun/ funny to include them here on our blog. If any of you have some real winners please feel free to share. Hopefully these will make you laugh and feel a little less alone, or at the very least start to question the intelligence of some people. This week I will start with one that still makes me say "Hmmmmm."


After having had three miscarriages, one of them in my 2nd trimester, an old friend of mine sent me a 5 minute PowerPoint presentation announcing her third pregnancy complete with ultrasound images set to music that was one part Enya and one part Celine Dion. Which in my opinion equals horrendous on all fronts.

- Jennifer