That Awkward Moment

A reader reminded me of a rather unfortunate situation that can occur after a miscarriage; the moment you run into someone, usually a casual acquaintance, who asks how your baby is. Oy. Total nightmare. This reader confessed that it happened to her recently and she was so tongue tied, she almost fainted with relief when her husband swooped in and rescued her from the conversation- and  presumably headed for the bar. A few years back I was face to face with an inquiring friend of a friend, who without knowing, casually asked how motherhood was going.  I had not seen this particular person in over a year, and didn't even realize that this was something that I was going to have to confront that evening. Luckily I had a glass of wine in my system already and was able to calmly state that "unfortunately things didn't go as planned". She was unable to find the words to respond so I just told her not to worry about it and then excused myself. It was totally awful and horrible and sort of felt like a punch to the gut. This is just one of those things that you don't really think about after a late pregnancy loss. Sure, you have to brace yourself and have those conversations with friends, family and colleagues immediately after the horrific loss, but months or even years later you don't realize that it can creep back up when you least expect it.  Awkward indeed.

- Jennifer

New Moms Gone Wild

Yesterday we received a lovely and hilarious note from a reader we shall call Barbara, thanking us for the blog and sharing a pet peeve that has, well, peeved her. She explained how during her morning run in her local park she has been confronted with the "annoying mob of new mom workout groups".  I laughed and then thought, Barbara are you following me?  I am not sure if our loyal reader is a fellow New Yorker, but this is a phenomenon that has puzzled me, to say the least. Is this a thing? Most mornings you will find me in Central Park doing what I like to call my "old lady" walk around the Great Lawn. It is a time for me to get the blood flowing and feel as though I actually worked out.  Lately my walks have been disturbed by what I can only describe as a roving gang of new moms, usually lead by a squealing and obnoxious man yelling at them to "suck in their bellies and their tush's!" In fact, it was just this morning that I suddenly felt as though I was being followed during my "workout".  I turned my head and realized there were 10-12 women barreling down behind me doing, well, I don't know exactly what they were doing. It was sort of a half- run, half -lunge, half -skipping, half -leaning thing- all bat shit crazy in my opinion. They did this while pushing strollers of screaming babies and listening to orders being yelled out by the most insufferable little man I have ever seen or heard. Ticked off, I turned on my heel in a huff and walked the other way, annoyed that this mass of people just ruined the one thing I enjoy every day. I was fuming and started to wonder if this is something that would bother me if I had an army of children of my own. I quickly realized yes, yes it would. Though perhaps I would feel a little more sympathy for the new moms and their much deserved need to squeeze in a workout, all while attempting to foster relationships with women in the same boat. That I can get behind. What bothers me most is having to endure all these conflicting emotions and resentment while I try to carve a little bit of peace for myself. That and having to listen to a barking man yell at a bunch of new moms to "pick up the pace and shush those babies!" So Barbara, you are not alone my friend. And if you are a New Yorker, look out for me in the mornings, maybe we can trip that little guy and watch him fall on his own tush!


-Jennifer

Thank you, Catalog Industry.....

Dear Catalog Industry,

Thank you so much for deciding when I was supposed to have children (two years into marriage apparently)! You guys are really on the ball; and may I say pretty adamant about making sure I have a whole slew of kids- at least that's the way it seems judging from what you send me on a daily basis. I am also to outfit said children in matching monogrammed outfits and buy teepees for them to lounge around in. Good to know! Oh, I keep getting catalogs from a place called The Land of Nod. Where is that? It sounds like a scary place that I don't think even I want to visit, let alone my "children". I have to be honest; I am getting the distinct feeling you are frustrated with my delay in reproduction, since just yesterday I received eight separate catalogs ranging from Giggle to American Girl. I sympathize, you must be impatient knowing what a good shopper I am, but aren't you laying it on a little thick? I certainly don't need ALL these gentle reminders do I?  I also understand you are painfully aware how long I have been married, since it was ages ago you took it upon yourself to inundate me with bridal magazines and travel brochures for my upcoming honeymoon. So now that my husband and I are going on seven years of marriage (is that like 50 in catalog years?) you are getting a little itchy. I totally get it and appreciate you caring so much, however I have to ask you to bring things down a notch. Please keep sending me J.Crew and Williams -Sonoma Home, but for the time being can you make sure all Pottery Barn Kids catalogs get "lost" in the mail?

Many thanks!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Landmines

The most annoying post-miscarriage activity on the planet is any kind of social event.  That is because social events are usually comprised of a few people you don't know. Strangers if you will. And those strangers are the biggest landmine known to man.  They will ask you question after question not realizing how uncomfortable you are in your own skin at that given moment. Of course I can't blame them; they are doing their job as a guest, attempting to feign curiosity. I, however, have zero interest in them. Maintaining a smile and pretending to be impressed by anything they have to say is utterly exhausting. Usually what bothers me most is this line of questioning: Oh is that your husband? Oh you guys are cute, how long have you been married? Wow! Do you guys have kids? Oh. Why not? Don't you want children?  Now, it usually depends on what kind of mood I'm in and how annoying the person asking the question is. If he/she (usually a she) is particularly irritating I may for a split second think of answering honestly just to make them uncomfortable; my little way of getting back at them for their obvious lack of etiquette. But most times I just stand there and stumble my way through some sort of coherent answer. Can we just agree that asking someone why they don’t have children is one of the most distasteful questions in the book? Maybe next time, if I am feeling particularly frisky, I will ask the offending individual why her mother didn’t teach her better manners.

- Jennifer

Baby Shower Anxiety

Over the last week or so we have received a few emails from fellow readers all on the same topic: baby showers. Some have expressed anxiety over shopping for a baby gift after their own miscarriage, and some have found it difficult to imagine sitting next to a heavily pregnant friend "oohing" and "ahhing" over burp cloths and breast pumps. I feel your pain. Since my first miscarriage four years ago I have been invited to my fair share of baby showers, baptisms and "meet the baby" parties. Before I met Kira I went to all of them (even if the end result was me hysterically crying in the back of a cab, shoving pacifier shaped cookies in my mouth). I remember the dread I felt after receiving numerous baby shower invitations, which somehow always arrived after my own pregnancy loss. One day I mentioned to Kira I had a friend's shower to attend, and I was feeling particularly anxious about it. I remember exactly what happened next.  She looked me in the eye and confidently said, "Don't go! Give yourself permission to not go!" I looked at her as if she was some sort of heretic. Of course I had to go! It was so-and-so's shower; I couldn't NOT go. So I kept RSVP'ing "Yes", put on a happy face and showed up. But after I experienced an 18 week miscarriage everything changed. I couldn't keep up the facade any longer and let's face it; it would have been a thinly veiled attempt that everyone would have seen right through.  I realized Kira was on to something, I didn't have to go. More than that my true friends would not only understand, but wouldn't want me to experience any more emotional discomfort or sadness than I already experienced. So I started to RSVP "No" with a kind note and then I would send a baby blanket. FYI: I have found these gifts to be pretty benign in the emotional heart strings department. Baby blankets aren't adorable little booties. They aren't sweet little outfits from Crewcuts. Catch my drift? Baby blankets- that's where it's at. Better yet, have a friend send it for you.
I'm sure some people rolled their eyes and found my absence to be "melodramatic". But for the first time in my life I didn't care.  I started making decisions based on what felt best for me, not on what I "should" do and what was "expected".
The takeaway here? Listen to yourself. If the idea of playing "celebrity baby name" games and passing around baby food processors make you want to put a hot poker in your eye, stay home. But if you do choose to go, at least snag a few cookies on your way out the door. Those might come in handy.

- Jennifer

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Ughhhhh. Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. Love my mother, love my mothers-in-law, just loathe Mother's Day. Every year it seems this holiday gets bigger and bigger, and every year I feel like I am on the outside looking in; as if I have a permanent seat at the kid's table.  Is it just me, or is this holiday on steroids this year? Every channel on TV, every radio program, every commercial, every store front- even Duane Reade is ALL about Mother's Day. I can't even shop online. Oh the horror! But seriously, it isn't even the commercialized sentiment that annoys me, it's the fact that I am totally left out of this thing! I love holidays, I love getting gifts, why can't I get in on this? My husband tells me I have a tendency to "mother" everyone. Well if that's the case then I DEFINITELY think I should get some flowers as well as a nice piece of jewelry. Why do people with kids get to have all the fun?  I may just send myself a nice bouquet of flowers as a pat on the back for all the mothering I do. Because in the end, I think this day should be more about thanking the women in your life who take such good care of you (and vice versa) than whether or not you gave birth.
So on that note, happy Mother's Day to you all!

- Jennifer

Our Spare Bedroom is Mocking Me

My husband and I are really lucky to live in a two bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, one block away from Central Park. Sort of ideal for having a family wouldn't you say? I sure would. That second bedroom though, something most people in New York City would kill to have, is like a noose around my neck.  I simultaneously feel anger and disgust every time I walk by it. Who knew that a bedroom would stir such aggressive emotion? But for me it is emblematic of the sad fact that I am still in the same place I was four years ago. Sometimes I walk into the room and scowl at the desk that is residing where our changing table is supposed to be. I stare at the empty wall where the crib is to sit. The blueprint of our nursery has been in my mind's eye after so many fits and starts, that walking into this dumping ground of a second bedroom makes me want to take a sledgehammer to everything in it. I wholeheartedly resent the extra crap that is sitting there, as if all of the inanimate objects are some how mocking me. Every time I find out I am pregnant my husband and I stare at the room and say, "Well if this one doesn't work out maybe we will just turn this into a drug den!"  Humor really does lighten the mood wouldn't you say? Last month Kira wrote that using baby wipes is one of her daily reminders. What about all of you? Do you guys have an equivalent? Inquiring minds want to know!

- Jennifer

Bump Watch

Does anyone else get really annoyed when a celebrity announces that they are having a baby? For some reason I become enraged and, admittedly, completely irrational. I actually said to my husband, "I can't believe Drew Barrymore, "Little Girl Lost", is having her second (fill in the blank) baby before I even had my first!"  He sort of just looked at me quizzically and (rightly so) kept his mouth shut.
I can't help but take it very personally. I literally think to myself, "How dare Drew decide to get pregnant. Doesn't she know that I have to have MY baby before SHE does!? She's so rude!" For the record I love Drew Barrymore, which goes to show how crazy I can get. And if it is a particularly busy week where multiple celebs confirm to Access Hollywood that they are expecting, well I pretty much lose my shit.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Or at least lie to me and make me feel better.

Case in point (though there are multiple reasons why this makes me lose my mind).


- Jennifer

Step Away from the Vagina!

I'm not sure what has been more annoying about my six miscarriages: the physical pain, the heartbreak, the feeling of being the only person without children or the amount of medical professionals in the New York City area that have spent a considerable amount of time with my vagina. At this rate, counting all the OBGYN's, specialists, nursing staff and the 30 odd people who decide to hang around the operating room for my D and C's, I'm easily at about 75 people. I had an ultrasound the other day, when the (new) doctor came in with THREE nurses. It was the place to be! Everyone crowding around, arms folded, chit chatting about this and that. We were a few passed hors d'oeuvres and martinis short of a cocktail party.
What about all of you? What are your "secondary annoyances"? Is it the "doctor shopping", hoping to find the one person that can crack your case? Is it the endless hours of sitting in a paper gown waiting....and waiting? Or is it hearing this: "Please bring all your medical records prior to your appointment"? OK, I take back everything I just said, THAT is the most annoying thing.

- Jennifer

Landmines

In keeping with our weekly "Landmines" feature I thought I would lighten the mood after yesterday's post. Below is a pretty excruciating (and kind of hilarious) exchange I had with a doctor a few years ago. You just can't make this stuff up!

Scene: The maternal fetal health department of a certain well known NYC hospital.  My OB sent me to have a 3D ultrasound due to a scare I had that week.

Me: (Lying on the table, freaking out but trying to be calm and NOT looking at the ultrasound monitor).

"Doctor": Hmmmmmmm well, there's no heartbeat. What a bummer.

Me: I'm sorry what?

"Doctor": Yup, no heartbeat. Man that is such a bummer. 

Me: (Trying to not cry, throw up or wring her neck- not necessarily in that order) Are you kidding me?

"Doctor": Wish I was. But you have kids already right?

Me: Ummmm no.

"Doctor": Oh man. How old are you? 33? You don't have ANY kids? Oh that is terrible. You are going to need to get this taken care of immediately by the way. It really is such a bummer (she makes a sad face).

Me: Uhhh yeah you could say that.

SO, that happened. But guess what also happened later that same day? After replaying the interaction over and over in my head, I had this overwhelming urge that I MUST help women in my situation. This doctor made it clear that women who suffer from pregnancy loss are sadly misunderstood and often overlooked, sometimes even by their own health care providers. Looking back I am actually grateful for that exchange; without it I don't know if this blog would exist. Talk about "finding the gold" huh?

- Jennifer

You're Pregnant? Great! See You in 20 Years

I was talking with an old friend of mine on the phone the other day when she asked if I had seen/spoken to a mutual friend who just announced her pregnancy. I said that I will catch up with said friend when her kid is in high school. She laughed, I laughed, but secretly I was thinking, "Wait, why CAN'T I wait 14 years?"
After any trauma there is a certain amount of what I will call "down time" that I think is completely acceptable. And that definitely goes for after a miscarriage. In my opinion, you can do whatever you want, eat whatever you want and say whatever you want. You can avoid any and all social gatherings without feeling a pang of guilt. But at a certain point you eventually have to come around, whether you like it or not. I am sort of in that stage right now. It's been four months since my last pregnancy loss and I am still kind of acting like it just happened. I am living in a land of woe is me with a passport and one-way ticket to bitterness. Which brings me back to my point; I am eventually going to have to interact with humanity, specifically those who are pregnant. I don't look forward to them patting their bulging stomachs while hearing all about their hemorrhoids, swollen feet and insomnia. Side note: Who knew that I would actually be sort of jealous of someone having hemorrhoids? But I do know that if I don't come back to the land of the living (and pregnant) soon I may not have any friends to come back to.

- Jennifer

Landmines

Over the years Kira and I have laughed at either people or situations that have seriously made us wonder if the universe was conspiring against us. There have been so many instances where both of us have had conversations with people that left us scratching our heads thinking, "Did she really say that?" So there came a point when I started to keep a list of what I affectionately called "Landmines".  These situations have at times made me feel even worse about being a repeater in terms of pregnancy loss, but in hindsight also made me chuckle. So, we thought it would be kind of fun/ funny to include them here on our blog. If any of you have some real winners please feel free to share. Hopefully these will make you laugh and feel a little less alone, or at the very least start to question the intelligence of some people. This week I will start with one that still makes me say "Hmmmmm."


After having had three miscarriages, one of them in my 2nd trimester, an old friend of mine sent me a 5 minute PowerPoint presentation announcing her third pregnancy complete with ultrasound images set to music that was one part Enya and one part Celine Dion. Which in my opinion equals horrendous on all fronts.

- Jennifer

Why Can't We Be Friends?

If you are anything like me, one of the biggest challenges through all of this has been; How do I  keep my friendships going when I am the only person without children? How do I have dinner with my friend who is seven months pregnant without wanting to cry and/or throw up? How do I feign excitement for my friend who announces that she is pregnant for the first time, even when "It was definitely not something they wanted right now."
My tactic has been avoidance. Avoidance at all costs. You want to have dinner? Oh sorry, already have plans. You are having a birthday party with a group of people that are pregnant and/or have children? No thanks! Would rather put my head through a wall.
I know that this isn't exactly healthy or mature, but it's the only way I know how to deal. There is a level of self-preservation that is necessary in my opinion- but maybe the execution needs a little work.
Would love to know your thoughts. How do you keep your friendships while also being good to yourself and honoring your own needs?

- Jennifer

Welcome! Who are we?

This blog was created for the millions of women and their partners overcoming, or who have overcome, the devastating loss of a pregnancy or multiple pregnancies.  Sadly we are part of this not- so- cool club, and after experiencing over 20 losses between the two of us, you can kind of say we have been there and done that. We have heard the insensitive comments from doctors and friends, we have answered some of THE stupidest questions (more on that later) and we have seen how those closest to us completely disappoint in the area of empathy. We have read books by prominent doctors and healers disregard pregnancy loss as a minor event, something to ignore and quickly forget. It is because of these experiences that we have a pretty good idea of what we want for this blog and a whole hell of a lot we don't want it to be.

We will not dictate which tests to get done and which doctor to see.  We will not bombard you with a series of questions such as: "Did you get genetic testing done?", "Did you see Dr. XYZ?” "Is there something wrong with you or your husband"? (That one is our personal favorite),  "So and so has a friend of a friend who can't have a baby, you guys should talk!" No. We are not about whipping you into a frenzied state of anxiety, while subtly insinuating there is something "wrong" with you and/or your partner. Our motivation is to dole out hope and healing, because we have been there many, many... many times. And if there is one thing we know, it's that what is needed is comfort. Our goal is to help you find the gold in your life (no matter how dark it seems) and the knowledge that the one thing you can control during this incredibly screwed up time is how you treat your emotional and physical self. Of course, a little bit of self- deprecating humor never hurt anyone. 

We invite comments of all kinds (sort of, be nice people!).  Hopefully between all of us we can shut down one of the last taboos in women's health and take ownership of our own health and healing without apology.