Our Spare Bedroom is Mocking Me

My husband and I are really lucky to live in a two bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, one block away from Central Park. Sort of ideal for having a family wouldn't you say? I sure would. That second bedroom though, something most people in New York City would kill to have, is like a noose around my neck.  I simultaneously feel anger and disgust every time I walk by it. Who knew that a bedroom would stir such aggressive emotion? But for me it is emblematic of the sad fact that I am still in the same place I was four years ago. Sometimes I walk into the room and scowl at the desk that is residing where our changing table is supposed to be. I stare at the empty wall where the crib is to sit. The blueprint of our nursery has been in my mind's eye after so many fits and starts, that walking into this dumping ground of a second bedroom makes me want to take a sledgehammer to everything in it. I wholeheartedly resent the extra crap that is sitting there, as if all of the inanimate objects are some how mocking me. Every time I find out I am pregnant my husband and I stare at the room and say, "Well if this one doesn't work out maybe we will just turn this into a drug den!"  Humor really does lighten the mood wouldn't you say? Last month Kira wrote that using baby wipes is one of her daily reminders. What about all of you? Do you guys have an equivalent? Inquiring minds want to know!

- Jennifer

Landmines

This week I thought I would share with you a "landmine" I walked into several years ago. It was an interaction that I had with an old friend after another devastating pregnancy loss. We were in conversation, discussing what had just happened to me, when she nonchalantly (and obliviously) asked. "Why don't you just adopt?" She completely stopped me in my tracks. In my mind that was just the sort of "fixing" comment that I dreaded the most. My friend made it seem that they were just giving babies away for free! No mountain of paperwork, buckets of money, or trauma of paying for a pregnancy only to have the birth mother renege. Free babies right this way! What I needed in that moment was a hug and to hear, "I'm sorry."  Instead I felt as if she hurled a grenade right at my heart. Looking back, what I have found most interesting, was that some people around me were incredibly annoyed that I didn't heed their advice and run to the nearest adoption agency.  Alas, if only they knew years of fertility treatments can sort of tie someone's finances up.  Needless to say, these people were part of what I like to call "The Great Narcissistic Friend Purge". It was sad of course, but a necessary move which eventually made room for some incredible people.


- Kira

A Little Birdie Just Told Me....

That we are on Twitter! @FindingtheGold1 to be exact. Let's keep the conversation going shall we? Looking forward to seeing all of you there!

xx
Jennifer & Kira

Bump Watch

Does anyone else get really annoyed when a celebrity announces that they are having a baby? For some reason I become enraged and, admittedly, completely irrational. I actually said to my husband, "I can't believe Drew Barrymore, "Little Girl Lost", is having her second (fill in the blank) baby before I even had my first!"  He sort of just looked at me quizzically and (rightly so) kept his mouth shut.
I can't help but take it very personally. I literally think to myself, "How dare Drew decide to get pregnant. Doesn't she know that I have to have MY baby before SHE does!? She's so rude!" For the record I love Drew Barrymore, which goes to show how crazy I can get. And if it is a particularly busy week where multiple celebs confirm to Access Hollywood that they are expecting, well I pretty much lose my shit.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Or at least lie to me and make me feel better.

Case in point (though there are multiple reasons why this makes me lose my mind).


- Jennifer

Fear Factor

I take a walk in Central Park just about every morning. It is something I look forward to and it allows me a bit of alone time to sort through some of my “craziness”. This morning I happened to have two pregnant women walking behind me.  I overheard one of them giddily discussing nursery ideas and how she found really cute pregnancy clothes for herself. Normally in this situation I would "pull over" and let these two go ahead of me, but for some reason I decided against it. Listening to them talk of their wardrobe and nursery plans made me realize how I wish I could be that kind of woman. For someone like me, who has been pregnant several (unsuccessful) times, I have sadly become aware that if/when I do get pregnant again, the enthusiasm and buoyancy that most new mom's-to-be experience will most likely not be in the cards. A positive pregnancy test is thrilling for about 2.5 seconds, before the dread and worry set it in. Is this going to end up like all the others? Will my HCG count stay high? Will my progesterone levels dip? Will there be a heartbeat during my sonogram? The idea of being (somewhat) worry free and unaware of all the ways a pregnancy can go wrong is completely foreign to me. Discussing nursery ideas out loud with such certainty is so off the wall, I couldn't even imagine how to go about having that conversation. Of all the sad things that come with pregnancy loss, one of the hardest is realizing the innocence of a first time pregnancy is completely gone. Sure I will have moments of excitement but those will be fleeting, as the inevitable anxiety will set in. How I wish to be one of those women, pregnant and strutting around, not having to shoot themselves up with blood thinners and keep calendar reminders of the 10 different medications necessary to have a healthy pregnancy. How I wish to be one of those women without a care in the world, besides what color the nursery will be and who makes the best organic baby products. How I wish to be one of those women who feels relief after the three month mark, instead of deep unease of what the next six could bring. Hopefully my day will come where I can experience endless pregnancy joy, but until then I think I need to start listening to music during those walks of mine.

- Jennifer

Step Away from the Vagina!

I'm not sure what has been more annoying about my six miscarriages: the physical pain, the heartbreak, the feeling of being the only person without children or the amount of medical professionals in the New York City area that have spent a considerable amount of time with my vagina. At this rate, counting all the OBGYN's, specialists, nursing staff and the 30 odd people who decide to hang around the operating room for my D and C's, I'm easily at about 75 people. I had an ultrasound the other day, when the (new) doctor came in with THREE nurses. It was the place to be! Everyone crowding around, arms folded, chit chatting about this and that. We were a few passed hors d'oeuvres and martinis short of a cocktail party.
What about all of you? What are your "secondary annoyances"? Is it the "doctor shopping", hoping to find the one person that can crack your case? Is it the endless hours of sitting in a paper gown waiting....and waiting? Or is it hearing this: "Please bring all your medical records prior to your appointment"? OK, I take back everything I just said, THAT is the most annoying thing.

- Jennifer

Dispatch from the Waiting Room

Sitting in my gynecologist's office waiting for my yearly exam, I am surrounded by couples who are breathlessly anticipating their visit with their unborn child via sonogram. Women with big bellies in various stages of pregnancy sit, albeit somewhat uncomfortably, lulled by the baby they hold within. For every Cosmo magazine or Bon Appétit there are at least three or four new mother publications featuring big fat babies on the cover. Memories come flooding back of all my years spent undergoing fertility treatments and following high-risk pregnancies, swinging from sonogram to sonogram until there was no heartbeat.  I immediately recognize that I have got to get out of here as soon as possible. I fight with the nurse about being weighed, "No, I really weigh myself every day so there is no need". Because let's be honest, weight is not my issue. I am now forced to consult with my doctor on a regular basis to discuss how vigilant I need to be given all my years undergoing fertility treatments. The beating my ovaries took due to all the hyper stimulation drugs, over the course of years, can cause ovarian cancer which is virtually symptomless until stage four.  This is my new reality, finding ways to ensure I don't get the dreaded disease which is the frightening side effect of the "disease" of infertility. As I explained to my husband, back then the science wasn't what it is today, no one knew what our desperate years could bring. A new reality indeed.

- Kira

Oh No He Didn't!

Have all of you read this article on Slate.com about taxing the childless? I read it this morning, after Brian Lehrer on WNYC mentioned he would be speaking with the author. To say I was shocked and horrified is an understatement. Please explain to me why those without children should be penalized?  It's bad enough that society makes us feel "less than" because we don't have children, but now the author thinks the tax code should be against us too?
I would love to hear all your thoughts on this article. Do you think this is a fair proposal?

- Jennifer

Inspiration

Just a little inspiration from the two of us to all of you.
xx
Jennifer and Kira

                                                Found on a-slice-of-awesome.tumblr.com