Monday, April 14, 2014

Fear Factor

I take a walk in Central Park just about every morning. It is something I look forward to and it allows me a bit of alone time to sort through some of my “craziness”. This morning I happened to have two pregnant women walking behind me.  I overheard one of them giddily discussing nursery ideas and how she found really cute pregnancy clothes for herself. Normally in this situation I would "pull over" and let these two go ahead of me, but for some reason I decided against it. Listening to them talk of their wardrobe and nursery plans made me realize how I wish I could be that kind of woman. For someone like me, who has been pregnant several (unsuccessful) times, I have sadly become aware that if/when I do get pregnant again, the enthusiasm and buoyancy that most new mom's-to-be experience will most likely not be in the cards. A positive pregnancy test is thrilling for about 2.5 seconds, before the dread and worry set it in. Is this going to end up like all the others? Will my HCG count stay high? Will my progesterone levels dip? Will there be a heartbeat during my sonogram? The idea of being (somewhat) worry free and unaware of all the ways a pregnancy can go wrong is completely foreign to me. Discussing nursery ideas out loud with such certainty is so off the wall, I couldn't even imagine how to go about having that conversation. Of all the sad things that come with pregnancy loss, one of the hardest is realizing the innocence of a first time pregnancy is completely gone. Sure I will have moments of excitement but those will be fleeting, as the inevitable anxiety will set in. How I wish to be one of those women, pregnant and strutting around, not having to shoot themselves up with blood thinners and keep calendar reminders of the 10 different medications necessary to have a healthy pregnancy. How I wish to be one of those women without a care in the world, besides what color the nursery will be and who makes the best organic baby products. How I wish to be one of those women who feels relief after the three month mark, instead of deep unease of what the next six could bring. Hopefully my day will come where I can experience endless pregnancy joy, but until then I think I need to start listening to music during those walks of mine.

- Jennifer

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