Early Dismissal!

Hi Everyone!
We are starting our Christmas vacation a bit early, but we will be back after the new year don't you worry.
Wishing all of you a lovely (and healthy) holiday season and cheers to 2015!

Jennifer and Kira

Podcast Love

I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of discussion surrounding pregnancy loss and the impact it has on the self as well as relationships. Last week I posted a link to an article that I thought was really smart, featuring a man's point of you, which is almost unheard of. This week I want to share a link to a podcast from "The Longest Shortest Time" (a podcast definitely worth checking out). I don't want to give too much away but this particular episode centers around a miscarriage and the inability to discuss it with your partner. I love podcasts (hello Serial!) so when I came across this particular one I was intrigued. Take a listen at http://bit.ly/1ugC2ND and let me know what you think!

- Jennifer

The Other Side of Things

After a pregnancy loss most of the attention is on the mother, understandably so, however the partner is often times overlooked and going through their own pain and grief that is just as unbearable. I always made sure that my husband was being heard and felt safe expressing what he was feeling, because I could literally sense his sadness as deeply as I felt my own. I knew he was hurting and I cried for him as much as I cried for myself and our loss. I always felt that the partner kind of got the short end of the stick in these situations and deserved to be heard just as much as the grieving mother which is why I loved this article from O Magazine. It is really lovely because it is written from the male perspective, which is just as important to hear...

- Jennifer

Blue Christmas.... and Thanksgiving... and Easter....

Below is a post that I wrote around this time last year after yet another miscarriage. I didn't know that a blog was in my future, but I felt like getting my thoughts down on paper since the grief my husband and I were going through- around Christmas no less- was suffocating. I saved it and thought now would be a good time to share it with all of you. This is a tough season, one that is centered around constantly being "joyful" and it is also considered a children's holiday- sort of a double whammy if you are dealing with a pregnancy loss. I really hope that my experience helps some of you...
                                                                      
                                                                        ***


My miscarriages are always so ill-timed. Well, I guess there is never a good time, but mine always happen right before a holiday. The pattern was right around Easter, which (bonus!) always seems to be right near Mother's Day, and Thanksgiving. But last year after so much optimism and excitement, the rug was pulled out from under from me three weeks before Christmas. My husband and I were feeling so euphoric and looked forward to having my first trimester end right around the New Year. We thought it was such a fitting way to celebrate the holiday season; it all felt so serendipitous. Unfortunately the universe had other plans, and last year we found ourselves in a state of such disappointment and depression that my anger took over. I was so pissed that yet again loss was going to crap all over my favorite time of year. That my husband and I couldn't catch a break, and would have to spend another holiday season opening Christmas cards from friends with their kids on the front, knowing that another year has passed us by without children. 
I was venting my frustration to Kira shortly after and she said to me, "Take it back. Take back the holiday. Each day take something back for yourself." I thought about it and realized that it was the perfect piece of advice. I was just angry enough that it helped me get to a point of retaliation. I wanted to get back at the universe and assume some sort of control. Each day I tried something small;  I baked cookies, I pulled out the Christmas decorations, and unabashedly listened to Wham's "Last Christmas" on repeat. Though I still cried every day and had a difficult time reconciling that my expectations and hopes were yet again thwarted by reality, I also realized that my husband and I were alive and healthy. We were together, our marriage and love stronger than ever. Even though we would have to, yet again, go through another holiday without a child, we at least had each other. And to me that was worth celebrating.

-  Jennifer

Turkey Hiatus

Hello everyone!
We are going to be taking the week off from the blog but promise to have a brand spanking new post when Kira returns from Italy and I crawl out from under all the pumpkin pie I plan on eating.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American readers!

- Jennifer and Kira

Re-Post

After speaking to an old friend the other day I was inspired to put this particular post back up. Enjoy!

I Choose My Choice!

Sorry for the Sex and the City reference, I couldn't help myself. But let's be honest, don't all roads lead back to Sex and the City?
One of the things Kira and I hope we convey through this blog is not only "finding the gold", unearthing a silver lining in an otherwise bleak situation, but also show examples of two women who have experienced similar situations, who then took different paths. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to find a way to make this all work, while Kira and her husband bravely decided that in the end what mattered most was they had one another, and went on to build a beautiful and fulfilling life together. There is no one way to live a life, but if you are willing to be authentic to yourself, then you have the opportunity to live your best one. The volatile ride of baby making can be utterly exhausting. It is depleting emotionally, physically as well as financially. Choosing your choice, your truest one imaginable (whatever that may be), is always the bravest and most rewarding action you can ever take.
I recently had this epiphany after speaking with a woman I was serendipitously introduced to. She and her husband experienced tremendous fertility issues years ago, before the majority of medical advances we are so fortunate to take part in today were widely available. She and her husband decided they could live a rich life without children and went on to do just that. Each has experienced incredible success in their respective careers and they fill their life with adventure and deep personal connections. She went on to say, even though they don’t have their own children and she is not a "mother" in the traditional sense; she has cultivated relationships with people of all ages that find her in a maternal role. This has been incredibly satisfying; despite the fact this kind of mother is not necessarily recognized in our society. I asked if there was ever a moment of regret, she went on to say there were times early on when she felt "less than" by certain people, but realized that perhaps those weren't the relationships she needed in her life. Once she and her husband created the supportive "family" they now have they never looked back. It was an inspiring conversation, one I continue to think of to this day. I realized that regardless of the individual choices we make concerning motherhood and our own fertility struggles, and whether or not we choose to have children, adopt or take advantage of science to help us conceive, supporting one another is what it's all about.  There is plenty of room for all of us at the table. What a beautiful thing!

- Jennifer 

Landmine

Sitting in a waiting room (why is it always in a waiting room?) with about 30 other women, I somehow drew the straw of picking the seat next to a couple that just LOVES to hear themselves talk. You know the type right?  People who speak way too loudly and reveal information that is really best for a more intimate setting, as in their own home. I got stuck next to these two yesterday and what ticked me off the most was this exchange:

Undesirable Woman: "OMG this baby is kicking higher than our other baby. Isn't that funny!? By the way everyone here still rememembers me! Isn't that funny!? I guess it hasn't been that long since our other baby."

Undesirable Man: "Oh that IS funny, it was only 17 months between!"

Undesirable Woman: "No it was 18 months!"

Undesirable Man: "No it was 17!"

Aren't you annoyed right now just listening to this story? They went back and forth on this for another few minutes. I wanted to strangle them and the woman across from me, who looked as though she was having a very bad day, looked as though she actually could impart bodily harm. I am not sure which part of them irked me most, what they were saying or their complete inability to modulate their own voices. The thing is, you don't know what the person next to you or across from you has gone through, broadcasting how "gosh darn lucky" you have been on the procreation front is tone-deaf and juvenile.

Here is a PSA: When you are sitting in a packed waiting room with a bunch of hormonal women try to keep your mouth shut. Or at the very least, know your audience.

- Jennifer

Hope Over Experience

How to get through a pregnancy with sanity and grace when the calendar is marked by gravestones of past failed pregnancies? The eight week marker, twelve week marker, the nuchal fold test, the 20 week anatomy scan....
I have watched my patients rob themselves of the joy of pregnancy; of the "ooh, ooh our baby!”- Frantic instead of ecstatic at each sonogram. How to overcome the fear of loss and bond with the growing fetus when every turn lurks loss and danger? Trust is hard to come by but indeed, necessary.
Celebrate each marker, every turning point, and acknowledge that life outside the womb is also a scary place. We handle those with ease (usually) but as it pertains to those entrusted to our care, what mind shift must take place to garner a bit of that pregnancy bliss? Perhaps it starts with teaching the child in utero from the very beginning, that we ride the wave of life despite what and where it tosses us. 

- Kira

That Awkward Moment

A reader reminded me of a rather unfortunate situation that can occur after a miscarriage; the moment you run into someone, usually a casual acquaintance, who asks how your baby is. Oy. Total nightmare. This reader confessed that it happened to her recently and she was so tongue tied, she almost fainted with relief when her husband swooped in and rescued her from the conversation- and  presumably headed for the bar. A few years back I was face to face with an inquiring friend of a friend, who without knowing, casually asked how motherhood was going.  I had not seen this particular person in over a year, and didn't even realize that this was something that I was going to have to confront that evening. Luckily I had a glass of wine in my system already and was able to calmly state that "unfortunately things didn't go as planned". She was unable to find the words to respond so I just told her not to worry about it and then excused myself. It was totally awful and horrible and sort of felt like a punch to the gut. This is just one of those things that you don't really think about after a late pregnancy loss. Sure, you have to brace yourself and have those conversations with friends, family and colleagues immediately after the horrific loss, but months or even years later you don't realize that it can creep back up when you least expect it.  Awkward indeed.

- Jennifer

Don't Judge Me

So October 15th, Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, came and went along with all my good intentions. A few weeks ago I wrote of this day of remembrance and how I was planning to light a candle as a way to honor my own miscarriage history. Did I do that? Nope! I did however read an incredibly honest piece by Dr. Jessica Zucker in the New York Times (you can find if here) and I even retweeted it on Twitter, so I guess I did accomplish something. But why didn't I truly take the time as I had intended? Sure I had a very busy day which had me at all corners of Manhattan, but when I returned home last evening I could have at the very least lit a candle. I mistakenly identified my ambivalence for healing, I have moved on- finally! Well in the light of day I realized that I have not moved on, I have however moved back into my pattern of attempting to erase anything that I deem "unpleasant". Me! The person that started a blog on pregnancy loss! The person that is constantly making declarations that we must be "more honest", blah blah blah. Well, if there is one thing that October 15th did, it made me realize that the road to healing is a long one indeed. I guess no one is perfect- even the person writing this blog.
I hope all of you were able to find your own way to honor your own history yesterday.

- Jennifer

Grief in Five Steps

With Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day just around the corner (October 15th), we wanted to share with you a great piece written by Psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker. It "reframes pregnancy loss" and we feel hits every feeling that most women expeience and struggle with. Please find the link below and tell us your thoughts. Also, will any of you be doing something to honor or remember your previous pregnancy losses? If so we would love to hear how you have chosen to do so...

http://modernloss.com/pregnancy-loss/

-Jennifer and Kira

The Grey Area

A lot of times after a pregnancy loss you feel the urge to isolate and blame yourself- all perfectly natural reactions. There is also the tendency to feel as though it is "you vs. them", the "them" being those who seem to have no problem with their pregnancies. After reading this piece on medium.com I realized that things are not always so black and white, so we wanted to share this with all of you.

- Jennifer & Kira

Landmine

We have not written a "Landmine" post in quite a while, and to be honest I am not even sure if this is considered one. You might (correctly) classify this as me just bitching- and you would probably be right. But, a few weeks ago I found myself in a doctor's office, and on the other side of the curtain I could hear a woman and her husband having a conversation with their nurse- so much for patient confidentiality!  Anyway it was for my benefit, because listening to this woman first caused me to roll my eyes, then I was tempted to pull back the curtain and channel Cher from Moonstruck by smacking her in the face while screaming, "Snap out of it!"  I am not one to gossip, BUT it appears this woman had a very big problem, the "big" part of this story was her baby. The nurse apparently made the mistake of noting that the baby she was about to give birth to at any moment, was a little "on the bigger side". Well, that threw this 100 lb woman into such a state you would have thought they found out her child was half dragon.  She kept saying, "But how can this be? I workout and eat really healthy! I do SoulCycle! Why is my baby almost 8lbs! I don't understand!!!" This went on for 10 minutes. Then it got me thinking- the last several years of heartache have no doubt been extremely difficult, but in a way I am really thankful for the lessons I have learned, because when you go through the absolute worst you really start to appreciate the smallest of gestures. I felt for this woman, she was so stuck in her own world and unable to see what an absolute gift she was being given, a big healthy baby, that all she could do was focus on the optics of it all. There are some days when I look back and wish I could erase all that has happened, all the tears and sadness, but on that particular day I said a big thank you- because I know when I have my moment of being close to giving birth I will be eternally grateful- big baby and all.

- Jennifer

Fifteen Stories

You guys have to read this article from New York Magazine. They spoke with fifteen women regarding their own miscarriages, and it is as heartbreaking as it is eye opening. I think all of us here are very well aware that this is a topic not discussed nearly enough, so hats off to the writer for bringing these incredible stories to the public. I am sure it was not easy for these women to share their experiences, but as we all know, sharing sometimes helps bring healing.

- Jennifer

Revisiting an Oldie but Goodie

It appears to be shower season, and due to that I have received a lot of emails and notes about what a frustrating experience it can be for someone still grieving from a loss. I thought perhaps it was a good time to revisit a post on just that topic from several months ago. And to all you having to suffer through another "celebrity baby name" game- may the force be with you.

Baby Shower Anxiety

Over the last week or so we have received a few emails from fellow readers all on the same topic: baby showers. Some have expressed anxiety over shopping for a baby gift after their own miscarriage, and some have found it difficult to imagine sitting next to a heavily pregnant friend "oohing" and "ahhing" over burp cloths and breast pumps. I feel your pain. Since my first miscarriage four years ago I have been invited to my fair share of baby showers, baptisms and "meet the baby" parties. Before I met Kira I went to all of them (even if the end result was me hysterically crying in the back of a cab, shoving pacifier shaped cookies in my mouth). I remember the dread I felt after receiving numerous baby shower invitations, which somehow always arrived after my own pregnancy loss. One day I mentioned to Kira I had a friend's shower to attend, and I was feeling particularly anxious about it. I remember exactly what happened next.  She looked me in the eye and confidently said, "Don't go! Give yourself permission to not go!" I looked at her as if she was some sort of heretic. Of course I had to go! It was so-and-so's shower; I couldn't NOT go. So I kept RSVP'ing "Yes", put on a happy face and showed up. But after I experienced an 18 week miscarriage everything changed. I couldn't keep up the facade any longer and let's face it; it would have been a thinly veiled attempt that everyone would have seen right through.  I realized Kira was on to something, I didn't have to go. More than that my true friends would not only understand, but wouldn't want me to experience any more emotional discomfort or sadness than I already experienced. So I started to RSVP "No" with a kind note and then I would send a baby blanket. FYI: I have found these gifts to be pretty benign in the emotional heart strings department. Baby blankets aren't adorable little booties. They aren't sweet little outfits from Crewcuts. Catch my drift? Baby blankets- that's where it's at. Better yet, have a friend send it for you.
I'm sure some people rolled their eyes and found my absence to be "melodramatic". But for the first time in my life I didn't care.  I started making decisions based on what felt best for me, not on what I "should" do and what was "expected".
The takeaway here? Listen to yourself. If the idea of playing "celebrity baby name" games and passing around baby food processors make you want to put a hot poker in your eye, stay home. But if you do choose to go, at least snag a few cookies on your way out the door. Those might come in handy.

- Jennifer 

October 15th

Yesterday I was on Twitter and noticed someone posted a note on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which this year falls on October 15th. I must admit my ignorance as I never heard of this particular day of observance. I was intrigued and did a little research; I went on to learn that this was a movement designated by President Ronald Reagan all the way back in 1988. In addition, the month of October was also designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The day itself became one of remembrance and observance in 2002 and has spread throughout not only the United States but also the UK, Canada, Australia and Italy. The day is observed with ceremonies and candle-lighting and a worldwide lighting of candles occurs at 7pm.
I was really touched when I read more about this particular day and thought it would be of interest to some of you. Throughout the year certain "anniversaries" pop up and memories of a pregnancy loss and the subsequent grief that followed, can cast a pall over the day or even an entire season. I know for me, after a late and devastating miscarriage in November of 2010, autumn (which used to be my favorite time of year) is one I have started to hate. For me it just feels eerie and there are one too many awful memories associated with the fall season. In the past I never really knew how to channel all of that sadness, perhaps this year I will turn it around and light a candle on October 15th, not just for the soul that didn't make it, but for all the others.
Everyone handles grief and mourning in their own way, and some don't recognize it at all (ahem). But perhaps this year it will be comforting to know that on one special day there will be millions of other women lighting candles and taking a moment to recognize their losses and the pain they have triumphed over. Maybe it will give all of you not only a little bit of inspiration, but peace as well.

- Jennifer

End of Summer Hiatus

Hi everyone!

We are on holiday for the long Labor Day weekend, but will be back next week.

Hope all of you enjoy the end of the summer!

- Jennifer and Kira

Motherlode

The New York Times has a great column called "Motherlode" which focuses on topics such as parenting, fertility issues, maternal struggles and a whole host of other subjects. Last Sunday, an incredibly thoughtful piece on one woman's experience with pregnancy loss and grieving was published. I thought the author accurately explained the conflicting emotions a woman and her partner can experience while trying to climb the mountain of sadness and grief.  I thought it was the perfect thing to share with all of you, and I hope it provides some comfort while you heal...

- Jennifer

New Moms Gone Wild

Yesterday we received a lovely and hilarious note from a reader we shall call Barbara, thanking us for the blog and sharing a pet peeve that has, well, peeved her. She explained how during her morning run in her local park she has been confronted with the "annoying mob of new mom workout groups".  I laughed and then thought, Barbara are you following me?  I am not sure if our loyal reader is a fellow New Yorker, but this is a phenomenon that has puzzled me, to say the least. Is this a thing? Most mornings you will find me in Central Park doing what I like to call my "old lady" walk around the Great Lawn. It is a time for me to get the blood flowing and feel as though I actually worked out.  Lately my walks have been disturbed by what I can only describe as a roving gang of new moms, usually lead by a squealing and obnoxious man yelling at them to "suck in their bellies and their tush's!" In fact, it was just this morning that I suddenly felt as though I was being followed during my "workout".  I turned my head and realized there were 10-12 women barreling down behind me doing, well, I don't know exactly what they were doing. It was sort of a half- run, half -lunge, half -skipping, half -leaning thing- all bat shit crazy in my opinion. They did this while pushing strollers of screaming babies and listening to orders being yelled out by the most insufferable little man I have ever seen or heard. Ticked off, I turned on my heel in a huff and walked the other way, annoyed that this mass of people just ruined the one thing I enjoy every day. I was fuming and started to wonder if this is something that would bother me if I had an army of children of my own. I quickly realized yes, yes it would. Though perhaps I would feel a little more sympathy for the new moms and their much deserved need to squeeze in a workout, all while attempting to foster relationships with women in the same boat. That I can get behind. What bothers me most is having to endure all these conflicting emotions and resentment while I try to carve a little bit of peace for myself. That and having to listen to a barking man yell at a bunch of new moms to "pick up the pace and shush those babies!" So Barbara, you are not alone my friend. And if you are a New Yorker, look out for me in the mornings, maybe we can trip that little guy and watch him fall on his own tush!


-Jennifer

How to Not Have a Breakdown

Let me clarify, as we actually encourage breakdowns- they kind of get you back to neutral don't you think? The breakdown I am speaking of is the one that barrels down on you after your close friend announces she is pregnant. Maybe you know the feeling? You just had a miscarriage, or several, and during what is supposed to be a fun night out you notice your dear friend doesn't order a glass of wine. And she always orders a glass of wine. Immediately your mind starts to go haywire because you know exactly what this means. So you start to rehearse your escape route- if you can make a dash for the door now perhaps you won't have to hear the words coming out of her mouth. But all of the sudden it's happening and you can't stop it. You force a smile, gulp your tears down and give her a hug- while reaching for your wine as quickly as possible. If she isn't drinking someone should, and that someone should be you! You make it through your dinner, trying to ask thoughtful questions and carry on as though you aren't bothered in the least, but you are counting down the minutes when you can sprint out of the restaurant, jump in a cab and start crying. I have been there so many times I can't even count at this point. And I'm not the only one, as I have seen my husband try to maneuver his way around this situation (with a bit more grace then me) on several occasions. Let's face it, it's not easy. Hopefully your friend is gentle in her delivery and understands how awkward this is for you. But, there is a change in dynamic that neither of you can deny. So how do you get through this, besides avoiding your friend for nine months (which by the way I have done- not the best strategy). Below is an attempt to help all of you avoid the mistakes I made in the past:

• Let it All Out. Jump into that cab and cry, then go home and throw a few things. You have to process these feelings- just make sure your blinds are closed.

• Be Honest. Once you have "processed your feelings", perhaps it is time for a little heart to heart with your friend. When you are ready, start off by saying how happy you are for her, but then explain that this is going to be a bit of a learning curve for both of you. You will try your best to be the good friend you are, but help her understand that there may be some difficult moments along the way.

• Be Honest: Part Two. Acknowledge you are going to have a few moments where some unpleasant characters are going to rear their ugly head (namely jealousy and anger). It's bound to happen, just be gentle with yourself.

• Know Thyself. If you know attending certain baby-to-be events are going to upset you, be up front with your friend and tell her it might not be the best venue for you. Believe me, she will understand. Also, no one wants someone crying in the corner eating all the cake.

•  Find an Outlet: Your friend is soon going to be sporting a baby bump and experiencing moments that you imagined for yourself; which makes this experience that much more heart-wrenching for you. It will stir up emotions that you thought you were long over and bring up new ones you didn't know you had. Find a neutral friend, a really good therapist, or your own partner to work through those feelings with. Believe it or not, this is all going to help you heal. The universe has a funny way of letting you know when you haven't fully gotten over something by getting right in your face.

In the end, remember you are both human and this is a tricky situation. You have been through hell and back and most likely your expecting friend was by your side along the way. If you both come from a place of honesty and love (for one another and yourself) it can end up strengthening your friendship. And if all else fails, a few glasses of wine never hurt anyone.

- Jennifer

Pet Peeve

For some reason my husband and I find it incredibly irritating when we spot a woman rubbing her huge pregnant stomach. I kind of want to go up to her and say, "I get it, you are about to pop. It's obvious, now stop rubbing it in." I know this sounds mean, and I actually can't believe I am writing about it, but I am taking one for the team here because something tells me I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe someone can explain this phenomenon to me? Is there a reason why pregnant women do this? Is there a biological need to rub and pat all day long?  Or is the rubbing just a way to help with digestion after a rather large meal?  Please explain!


- Jennifer

Reading Yourself Back to Health

About two years ago, after suffering through another miscarriage, I was feeling incredibly low. All the usual suspects were around- grief, anger, bitterness, depression- and nothing could pull me out of the abyss. One day I ran into a friend who told me about the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I was totally turned off by the hokey title and I kept telling her I would buy it, even though the promise was completely hollow and I had no intention of reading something that sounded so hippy dippy. Lo and behold, later that day I found myself downloading the book and reading it immediately. I was secretly ashamed, I kept thinking that I had sunk to a new low by immersing myself in what I referred to as "self-help crap", but once I let my guard down and allowed the book to work its magic I quickly realized that perhaps I was a bit too quick to judge. The book centers around how our thoughts (negative or positive) can have a direct impact on our physical well-being and how old emotional pain and unchecked emotions can really do a number on your health. I was amazed with the way Louise Hay explained the mind-body connection and her own story, which is remarkable. At the back of the book is an incredible reference guide of every physical ailment known to man and the possible underlying emotional issue that could be causing it, along with a corresponding meditation/ affirmation that can help you along your way. That book is still one of the best purchases I have made, and not only do I find myself going back to it time and time again, I have recommended it to others who all end up in agreement that it really is a life changer. When you are at your lowest point perhaps you are more open to things you never thought you would be. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for this little gem- it got me through some really dark days and perhaps it can be a helpful friend to some of you.

- Jennifer

Thank You

For the last seven months we have been humbled by the support for our blog and we are so thankful to all of you who continue to read our site. What is even more amazing is the fact that our readers are found literally all around the world (hello to our newest readers in Russia and Ukraine!) This means so much to us and is also indicative of the fact that pregnancy loss and the complicated emotions that surround it is a topic that hits home for women from every country, language, background and socioeconomic status. We hope that our musings and stories continue to help all of you through your healing process and allow you to find a little laughter along the way...

-Jennifer & Kira

Finding Calm

I have an old friend, who, after experiencing her fair share of losses and difficulties conceiving, is now comfortably at the end of her third trimester.  If anyone understands what it is like to try again after disappointment after disappointment it is her. So the other day when we were chatting on the phone I asked what it is like to finally be in a place where she can breathe a sigh of relief. My friend laughed uncontrollably at the sentiment. She said while getting to where she is now has been a bit like almost finishing a marathon, it has not been an easy road staying calm. During her first trimester she spent an inordinate amount of time constantly checking in on the state of her pregnancy symptoms. I laughed because I knew exactly what she was talking about as I have found myself in the past doing the same thing. You inconspicuously (hopefully) check your breasts to make sure they still hurt, you track whether you really are tired- were you as tired today as you were yesterday? What if I am less tired? And how come I am not nauseous? I want to be nauseous! Those pregnancy symptoms are the glue that keeps you and your sanity together. She also laughed when she talked about the hours she spent waiting for "the phone call", the weekly calls from her nurse giving her the HCG update, and how she would cover her eyes during every sonogram appointment, scared of what might be revealed. Every minute of everyday was pure paranoia, not exactly a great way to spend nine months. So in the end, how the hell did she get through it?  My amazing friend finally realized that she already suffered the worst kind of pain and sadness and was ready to experience hope and joy. It was simple as that. There was no option to zero in on the "what if's", because she had already been there. Worrying about the worst case scenario was a silly waste of time since it had been something she lived through and knew all too well. What she didn't know was the best case scenario, the happy ending- which is where she put all her focus and energy. There were moments of anxiety along the way, but during those small breakdowns she found a way to summon her energy and bring her attention back to the good stuff. Such a better way to live!

- Jennifer

Thank you, Catalog Industry.....

Dear Catalog Industry,

Thank you so much for deciding when I was supposed to have children (two years into marriage apparently)! You guys are really on the ball; and may I say pretty adamant about making sure I have a whole slew of kids- at least that's the way it seems judging from what you send me on a daily basis. I am also to outfit said children in matching monogrammed outfits and buy teepees for them to lounge around in. Good to know! Oh, I keep getting catalogs from a place called The Land of Nod. Where is that? It sounds like a scary place that I don't think even I want to visit, let alone my "children". I have to be honest; I am getting the distinct feeling you are frustrated with my delay in reproduction, since just yesterday I received eight separate catalogs ranging from Giggle to American Girl. I sympathize, you must be impatient knowing what a good shopper I am, but aren't you laying it on a little thick? I certainly don't need ALL these gentle reminders do I?  I also understand you are painfully aware how long I have been married, since it was ages ago you took it upon yourself to inundate me with bridal magazines and travel brochures for my upcoming honeymoon. So now that my husband and I are going on seven years of marriage (is that like 50 in catalog years?) you are getting a little itchy. I totally get it and appreciate you caring so much, however I have to ask you to bring things down a notch. Please keep sending me J.Crew and Williams -Sonoma Home, but for the time being can you make sure all Pottery Barn Kids catalogs get "lost" in the mail?

Many thanks!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Landmines

The most annoying post-miscarriage activity on the planet is any kind of social event.  That is because social events are usually comprised of a few people you don't know. Strangers if you will. And those strangers are the biggest landmine known to man.  They will ask you question after question not realizing how uncomfortable you are in your own skin at that given moment. Of course I can't blame them; they are doing their job as a guest, attempting to feign curiosity. I, however, have zero interest in them. Maintaining a smile and pretending to be impressed by anything they have to say is utterly exhausting. Usually what bothers me most is this line of questioning: Oh is that your husband? Oh you guys are cute, how long have you been married? Wow! Do you guys have kids? Oh. Why not? Don't you want children?  Now, it usually depends on what kind of mood I'm in and how annoying the person asking the question is. If he/she (usually a she) is particularly irritating I may for a split second think of answering honestly just to make them uncomfortable; my little way of getting back at them for their obvious lack of etiquette. But most times I just stand there and stumble my way through some sort of coherent answer. Can we just agree that asking someone why they don’t have children is one of the most distasteful questions in the book? Maybe next time, if I am feeling particularly frisky, I will ask the offending individual why her mother didn’t teach her better manners.

- Jennifer

My Body is a Wonderland?

Last week I read an article about your body after baby when there is no baby; the ordeal of losing a pregnancy only to realize that parts of you still look and feel pregnant. It got me thinking of my own experiences, one in particular which occurred after my 18 week pregnancy loss. Following a harrowing surgery, two blood transfusions and an iron count so low I was unable to walk without assistance, I woke up one morning and as I was about to step into the shower I glanced in the mirror. Imagine my surprise when the image that gazed back was... Malibu Barbie? Oh yes, it seemed that overnight my breasts had suddenly become D-cups. For a split second I thought how cool God, the universe, whoever, was for this incredible consolation prize. Sorry about the miscarriage, but here is a new set of boobs! Then I looked down and realized what was actually happening. The leaking milk was the not- so- subtle clue that this was no party favor; my body believed it had delivered a baby and responded the only way it knew how. In that moment I was both horrified and amazed. Horrified, not only did I not have a baby, but now I must be subjected to walking around with breasts engorged for the sole purpose of feeding a newborn. Amazed, that despite what occurred; my body knew exactly what to do. It checked off all the boxes; baby out, breasts full. The sadness that swept over me was all consuming; I broke down and wept in the shower for what seemed like days. I wept for the baby I didn't have and for the dreams that seemed to get sucked right down the drain. After my breakdown I made an emergency call to my doctor. I needed help; I needed my boobs to go back down to the small B's they once were. I couldn't face the daily reminder that I didn't have a baby to feed for one more minute. She empathized and said that at least my body reacted in a way that was healthy.  I was instructed to place bags of frozen peas on the cantaloupe- sized boobs that were now suddenly bestowed upon me, in the hopes that after a few days’ time things would appropriately deflate. So, for the next week I steadied myself and walked around my apartment with frozen peas stuffed into a sports bra that was definitely not built for that kind of work out.
Once the misery subsided, I remember the anger that took over. Why hadn't anyone informed me this would happen? After I left the hospital I was instructed of the bleeding and other "side effects" that could be experienced after a miscarriage, but it would have been nice if someone filled me in on the possibility that my breasts would grow to the size of my head and leave milk residue on all my shirts.  After a pregnancy loss you must process grief, pain, sadness, physical discomfort, but also the image of a post- baby body without the newborn. It all seems like a cruel joke at times doesn't it?

- Jennifer

The Space Between

I've been thinking a lot of the space between pregnancies. That horrendous time when you feel the rug was ripped out from under you, when it feels as though the last few months were a waste, when you are full of questions about what the hell just happened and what is in store for you next. It is also a time when you are completely unable to make any sort of plan for the future. The inability to move forward is a by-product of pregnancy loss one doesn't think of until, well, they are in it. Friends will ask if you can join them on holiday in six months and you will respond with a shrug and a "depends where I am" kind of answer. Summer comes around along with the inevitable “hey, any vacation plans?”, and you shrug your shoulders again trying to sound really excited about your “staycation” and the long weekends you have planned. The future is up in the air because you have no idea if you will be pregnant. And if you are, then you are most likely high-risk which means you probably can't fly (at least in the first trimester). Any attempt at solidifying a plan is pointless. At least it feels that way. And let me take it one step further, this feeling of immobility is largely due to the fact that after a miscarriage (or several) you become completely consumed with getting pregnant again. That is numero uno on your list of priorities, so the whole cycle is vicious beyond belief.  You and your partner don't want to fritter away any more time, so you feel as though you are running against the clock. The space between is a total mind f*$# (excuse my French), and there are moments when it feels worse than the actual miscarriage.
I actually don't have an antidote to this, though I wish I did. In the past I have tried to enjoy life as much as possible with a nice vacation with my husband, maybe treating myself to something that I probably couldn't wear if I were pregnant, etc... But it all just feels like empty gestures. We go through the motions one by one, trying to talk ourselves into "isn't life great!" and “I'm just going to enjoy myself!", when in reality we have a monkey on our back we can’t shake until that missing puzzle piece is finally found.
What about you guys? What do you do during this time and how do you handle it?

- Jennifer

On Judging Pain

First things first many apologies for the lack of posts recently, Kira is abroad and I have been battling a horrendous cold for the last few days, making it virtually impossible to do anything else other than eat ice cream. But I'm back (sort of) so bear with me while I try to string two sentences together. While I was moaning on the couch this morning I came across a really interesting essay by a writer named Jennifer Pastiloff, titled "Don't Judge Your Pain. Or Anyone Else's". The essay centered on her broken foot and inability to do anything other than sit for a protracted amount of time. During this unasked for "down time" she had a few epiphanies (I won't spoil them for you) but they had everything to do with allowing herself to feel vulnerable and grateful. There were people in her life that came through for her without her needing to ask, and there were some who deeply disappointed her. Sound familiar? Even though the impetus for the essay was her broken foot, I bet a lot of us could have written something very similar with regard to our own pregnancy loss experiences. Owning our pain and allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, accepting help, understanding that some people (for whatever reason) are unable to be there for us in a way we feel is deserved and necessary, how kindness matters, are all lessons most of us are learning during our own miscarriage healing process. It is a wonderfully honest and remarkable read, not only because I see myself in her, but it is a brilliant reminder of the kind of person I hope to be not only to myself but those around me.

Please let me know what you think and I hope you find it as inspiring as I did.

 

- Jennifer

A Must Read

I'm not one to tell people what to do (wink wink), but I implore all of you to read Dr. Jessica Zucker's newest essay on her unique experience with pregnancy loss. I have been so impressed by Dr. Zucker's honesty and her writing is smart and poignant. I hope all of you find her work to be as inspiring as I do.
Happy reading!

- Jennifer

Let the Good Times Roll

In preparation for the onslaught of injectable medications, early morning monitoring hours, sober life and just general anxiety that is the IVF process,  I have been living the past few weeks as if I am about to go to the electric chair. Bottomless glasses of wine, all the shellfish I can eat, iced coffee bonanzas, unpasteurized cheese out the wazoo, late nights, gin and tonics. The only thing I have not taken part in is aggressive exercise. Because let's be honest, that just isn't fun. In fact, the only thing I love about being a "high risk" pregnancy person is the fact that I CAN'T exercise.  It's like, totally against doctor's orders. Although I have been lamenting the caffeine free days ahead, it occurred to me that maybe I need to alter my outlook on all of this. Instead of focusing on all the "dont's" that are about to inundate my life (let's hope), perhaps it would behoove me to put energy towards the positives. Like, all this "stuff", medications and otherwise, might actually work (again, let's hope). When you are about to jump on the IVF train or just going the old- fashioned route and "trying" again after multiple pregnancy losses, it's hard not to feel as though you are in the penalty box or the fetal police is on your tail. You see your other pregnant friends, those who aren't "high risk" who can adopt a much more laissez-faire attitude about the whole in utero thing, that they can actually have a glass of wine without anxiety. Bonkers! What is that like?
Well, I guess I will never know. Just like I won't know how this will turn out. The one thing I do know with full certainty is that should all of this result in a healthy full- term pregnancy and healthy baby, then it is all worth it.
Now pass the rosé!

- Jennifer

PS- Some of you have inquired about Kira's whereabouts. Well, the lucky and lovely Kira is abroad visiting family but will be back very soon. In the meantime, I hate to say it but you're stuck with me.

I Choose My Choice!

Sorry for the Sex and the City reference, I couldn't help myself. But let's be honest, don't all roads lead back to Sex and the City?
One of the things Kira and I hope we convey through this blog is not only "finding the gold", unearthing a silver lining in an otherwise bleak situation, but also show examples of two women who have experienced similar situations, who then took different paths. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to find a way to make this all work, while Kira and her husband bravely decided that in the end what mattered most was they had one another, and went on to build a beautiful and fulfilling life together. There is no one way to live a life, but if you are willing to be authentic to yourself, then you have the opportunity to live your best one. The volatile ride of baby making can be utterly exhausting. It is depleting emotionally, physically as well as financially. Choosing your choice, your truest one imaginable (whatever that may be), is always the bravest and most rewarding action you can ever take.
I recently had this epiphany after speaking with a woman I was serendipitously introduced to. She and her husband experienced tremendous fertility issues years ago, before the majority of medical advances we are so fortunate to take part in today were widely available. She and her husband decided they could live a rich life without children and went on to do just that. Each has experienced incredible success in their respective careers and they fill their life with adventure and deep personal connections. She went on to say, even though they don’t have their own children and she is not a "mother" in the traditional sense; she has cultivated relationships with people of all ages that find her in a maternal role. This has been incredibly satisfying; despite the fact this kind of mother is not necessarily recognized in our society. I asked if there was ever a moment of regret, she went on to say there were times early on when she felt "less than" by certain people, but realized that perhaps those weren't the relationships she needed in her life. Once she and her husband created the supportive "family" they now have they never looked back. It was an inspiring conversation, one I continue to think of to this day. I realized that regardless of the individual choices we make concerning motherhood and our own fertility struggles, and whether or not we choose to have children, adopt or take advantage of science to help us conceive, supporting one another is what it's all about.  There is plenty of room for all of us at the table. What a beautiful thing!

- Jennifer

Clomid: Breakfast of Champions?

Over the weekend I had a conversation with both my husband and a dear friend regarding Indianapolis Colts hulking linebacker Robert Mathis who recently failed a drug test resulting in a four-game suspension. At this point you are probably wondering why I am discussing the NFL on this blog. Good question. The reason is, Mathis revealed to the NFL the culprit behind his failed drug test, Clomid. Yes you read that correctly. The fertility medication that millions of women have been prescribed for decades to induce ovulation is apparently now being used, but not approved by the FDA, for male fertility. Mathis stated he and his wife experienced difficulty conceiving, which prompted his doctor to prescribe Clomid. Now, as an NFL player you should be pretty aware that anything you take (vitamins, supplements, etc...) need to be approved. Mathis did not seek that clearance, hence the punishment.
There is so much going on in this story I don't even know where to begin. Male fertility drugs can enhance an athlete's performance due to the boost in testosterone. But if Mathis is telling the truth then shouldn't the NFL reverse their decision? Furthermore, shouldn't we applaud him for his honesty?  I can't imagine that it's easy for an NFL linebacker, or really any man, to admit their fertility issues to the world (even if he is 6'2" and 245 lbs). Perhaps his honesty helped other men breath a little sigh of a relief in knowing they aren't alone. If Mathis is lying, well shame on him for using infertility as a scapegoat. Unfortunately the cynic in me believes the latter. Which is too bad, as it undercuts a conversation that could desperately use a healthy shot (sorry for the pun) of media attention.

- Jennifer

Baby Shower Anxiety

Over the last week or so we have received a few emails from fellow readers all on the same topic: baby showers. Some have expressed anxiety over shopping for a baby gift after their own miscarriage, and some have found it difficult to imagine sitting next to a heavily pregnant friend "oohing" and "ahhing" over burp cloths and breast pumps. I feel your pain. Since my first miscarriage four years ago I have been invited to my fair share of baby showers, baptisms and "meet the baby" parties. Before I met Kira I went to all of them (even if the end result was me hysterically crying in the back of a cab, shoving pacifier shaped cookies in my mouth). I remember the dread I felt after receiving numerous baby shower invitations, which somehow always arrived after my own pregnancy loss. One day I mentioned to Kira I had a friend's shower to attend, and I was feeling particularly anxious about it. I remember exactly what happened next.  She looked me in the eye and confidently said, "Don't go! Give yourself permission to not go!" I looked at her as if she was some sort of heretic. Of course I had to go! It was so-and-so's shower; I couldn't NOT go. So I kept RSVP'ing "Yes", put on a happy face and showed up. But after I experienced an 18 week miscarriage everything changed. I couldn't keep up the facade any longer and let's face it; it would have been a thinly veiled attempt that everyone would have seen right through.  I realized Kira was on to something, I didn't have to go. More than that my true friends would not only understand, but wouldn't want me to experience any more emotional discomfort or sadness than I already experienced. So I started to RSVP "No" with a kind note and then I would send a baby blanket. FYI: I have found these gifts to be pretty benign in the emotional heart strings department. Baby blankets aren't adorable little booties. They aren't sweet little outfits from Crewcuts. Catch my drift? Baby blankets- that's where it's at. Better yet, have a friend send it for you.
I'm sure some people rolled their eyes and found my absence to be "melodramatic". But for the first time in my life I didn't care.  I started making decisions based on what felt best for me, not on what I "should" do and what was "expected".
The takeaway here? Listen to yourself. If the idea of playing "celebrity baby name" games and passing around baby food processors make you want to put a hot poker in your eye, stay home. But if you do choose to go, at least snag a few cookies on your way out the door. Those might come in handy.

- Jennifer

An Inspiring Read

The black hole that is Twitter can be mind-numbing. It is also frightening in the sense that I can spend a full hour sorting through my Twitter feed only to walk away feeling unsatisfied. Where did the last hour of my life go? Why can't I get enough of this Jay-Z craziness? I digress. What I am trying to say is, even though Twitter can win the gold medal in time-suckage, it can also be a truly amazing place where inspiration really is just around the corner. Such was the case this past weekend when I happened to stumble across a remarkably thoughtful piece by Doctor Jessica Zucker on Medium.com. Dr. Zucker I learned, is an LA based Psychologist who specializes in women's reproductive and maternal mental health, and she wrote a beautiful essay titled "5 Ways to Revolutionize Pregnancy Loss". The minute I opened the link I felt a thrill. It was incredibly exciting to see a medical professional validate the complicated "post-pregnancy loss" healing process and how imperative it is after such a traumatic experience. As someone who always felt there was a lack of quality literature (and heart) regarding miscarriage I am overjoyed by Dr. Zucker's essay.  In my experience, pregnancy loss has been a taboo subject for far too long, and those of us suffering (and healing) from this felt alone and ashamed. We’ve come a long way baby, now let’s keep up the good work!

- Jennifer

Mother's Day

Ah, that time of year again. I actually used to leave the country and head to Italy, an attempt to escape the constant barrage of Mother's Day advertisements; a double whammy for me as my own mother died 40 years ago. But then Italy began celebrating its own version of  "La Giorno Della Donna" and it was, as Sartre would say, huis clos, "no exit". That was the turning point for me. Instead of being trapped in the abyss of accumulated loss, I challenged myself to transform the energy of the day. I have turned this holiday into a self-mothering day and ultimately I made it work me. Transformation is not only powerful, but empowering! I wish the same for all of you on this day...

- Kira

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Ughhhhh. Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. Love my mother, love my mothers-in-law, just loathe Mother's Day. Every year it seems this holiday gets bigger and bigger, and every year I feel like I am on the outside looking in; as if I have a permanent seat at the kid's table.  Is it just me, or is this holiday on steroids this year? Every channel on TV, every radio program, every commercial, every store front- even Duane Reade is ALL about Mother's Day. I can't even shop online. Oh the horror! But seriously, it isn't even the commercialized sentiment that annoys me, it's the fact that I am totally left out of this thing! I love holidays, I love getting gifts, why can't I get in on this? My husband tells me I have a tendency to "mother" everyone. Well if that's the case then I DEFINITELY think I should get some flowers as well as a nice piece of jewelry. Why do people with kids get to have all the fun?  I may just send myself a nice bouquet of flowers as a pat on the back for all the mothering I do. Because in the end, I think this day should be more about thanking the women in your life who take such good care of you (and vice versa) than whether or not you gave birth.
So on that note, happy Mother's Day to you all!

- Jennifer

On Healing

One of the main reasons Kira and I started this blog was to connect with other women who are in the midst of healing from pregnancy loss. Through sharing our experiences and humorous musings our goal is for you to read a blog post and say to yourself, "That happened to me too!"  We think there is nothing quite like commiserating with others. However, there is another goal for us, we want to show you how important it is to truly heal after loss. The emotional toll a miscarriage takes on one's psyche and body can have long lasting effects if not treated with respect.  This is a lesson I learned from Kira and it has had a profound effect on my own healing. One of the methods that she has taught me is meditation. I admit I am still not great at it, but I have noticed after each pregnancy loss how comforting it is. And after such a physical and emotional trauma, comfort is the name of the game.  I am pleased to say that Kira was more than thrilled to share with you a little meditation she has used with me and others. We hope you will take this with you and hold it in your heart whenever you need a little love. So, without further ado...

- Jennifer


A Healing Meditation- By Kira

Meditation is a powerful tool for transformation. It can change brain chemistry and redirect negative thoughts. For me, transformation was always the goal rather than remaining stuck in a sorrowful and bitter place. It is widely known that meditation can relax the body and mind as well as lower anxiety, but meditation can also lower blood pressure, respiratory rates as well as blood cortisol levels.

The meditation below can be "active", meaning it can be said while walking, or in the more traditional pose of sitting or lying down. Follow what your own energy level is. Placing your hands on your stomach while doing the meditation can be helpful as well since it pulls good energy to your center, an area that experiences an energy shift after loss. Which is why meditation is so wonderful, it is all about redirecting energy.

"With immense sorrow I send back this soul to the universe. With joy I ask that the right one for us be sent soon. I pray that the hole in my center be filled with life and pray we enjoy our life together through that time."

This meditation centers around bringing hope back to the life you share with your partner. Feel free to add other words or imagery that you connect with.

I hope this meditation brings you healing and peace.

- Kira

Our Spare Bedroom is Mocking Me

My husband and I are really lucky to live in a two bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, one block away from Central Park. Sort of ideal for having a family wouldn't you say? I sure would. That second bedroom though, something most people in New York City would kill to have, is like a noose around my neck.  I simultaneously feel anger and disgust every time I walk by it. Who knew that a bedroom would stir such aggressive emotion? But for me it is emblematic of the sad fact that I am still in the same place I was four years ago. Sometimes I walk into the room and scowl at the desk that is residing where our changing table is supposed to be. I stare at the empty wall where the crib is to sit. The blueprint of our nursery has been in my mind's eye after so many fits and starts, that walking into this dumping ground of a second bedroom makes me want to take a sledgehammer to everything in it. I wholeheartedly resent the extra crap that is sitting there, as if all of the inanimate objects are some how mocking me. Every time I find out I am pregnant my husband and I stare at the room and say, "Well if this one doesn't work out maybe we will just turn this into a drug den!"  Humor really does lighten the mood wouldn't you say? Last month Kira wrote that using baby wipes is one of her daily reminders. What about all of you? Do you guys have an equivalent? Inquiring minds want to know!

- Jennifer

Landmines

This week I thought I would share with you a "landmine" I walked into several years ago. It was an interaction that I had with an old friend after another devastating pregnancy loss. We were in conversation, discussing what had just happened to me, when she nonchalantly (and obliviously) asked. "Why don't you just adopt?" She completely stopped me in my tracks. In my mind that was just the sort of "fixing" comment that I dreaded the most. My friend made it seem that they were just giving babies away for free! No mountain of paperwork, buckets of money, or trauma of paying for a pregnancy only to have the birth mother renege. Free babies right this way! What I needed in that moment was a hug and to hear, "I'm sorry."  Instead I felt as if she hurled a grenade right at my heart. Looking back, what I have found most interesting, was that some people around me were incredibly annoyed that I didn't heed their advice and run to the nearest adoption agency.  Alas, if only they knew years of fertility treatments can sort of tie someone's finances up.  Needless to say, these people were part of what I like to call "The Great Narcissistic Friend Purge". It was sad of course, but a necessary move which eventually made room for some incredible people.


- Kira

A Little Birdie Just Told Me....

That we are on Twitter! @FindingtheGold1 to be exact. Let's keep the conversation going shall we? Looking forward to seeing all of you there!

xx
Jennifer & Kira

Bump Watch

Does anyone else get really annoyed when a celebrity announces that they are having a baby? For some reason I become enraged and, admittedly, completely irrational. I actually said to my husband, "I can't believe Drew Barrymore, "Little Girl Lost", is having her second (fill in the blank) baby before I even had my first!"  He sort of just looked at me quizzically and (rightly so) kept his mouth shut.
I can't help but take it very personally. I literally think to myself, "How dare Drew decide to get pregnant. Doesn't she know that I have to have MY baby before SHE does!? She's so rude!" For the record I love Drew Barrymore, which goes to show how crazy I can get. And if it is a particularly busy week where multiple celebs confirm to Access Hollywood that they are expecting, well I pretty much lose my shit.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Or at least lie to me and make me feel better.

Case in point (though there are multiple reasons why this makes me lose my mind).


- Jennifer

Fear Factor

I take a walk in Central Park just about every morning. It is something I look forward to and it allows me a bit of alone time to sort through some of my “craziness”. This morning I happened to have two pregnant women walking behind me.  I overheard one of them giddily discussing nursery ideas and how she found really cute pregnancy clothes for herself. Normally in this situation I would "pull over" and let these two go ahead of me, but for some reason I decided against it. Listening to them talk of their wardrobe and nursery plans made me realize how I wish I could be that kind of woman. For someone like me, who has been pregnant several (unsuccessful) times, I have sadly become aware that if/when I do get pregnant again, the enthusiasm and buoyancy that most new mom's-to-be experience will most likely not be in the cards. A positive pregnancy test is thrilling for about 2.5 seconds, before the dread and worry set it in. Is this going to end up like all the others? Will my HCG count stay high? Will my progesterone levels dip? Will there be a heartbeat during my sonogram? The idea of being (somewhat) worry free and unaware of all the ways a pregnancy can go wrong is completely foreign to me. Discussing nursery ideas out loud with such certainty is so off the wall, I couldn't even imagine how to go about having that conversation. Of all the sad things that come with pregnancy loss, one of the hardest is realizing the innocence of a first time pregnancy is completely gone. Sure I will have moments of excitement but those will be fleeting, as the inevitable anxiety will set in. How I wish to be one of those women, pregnant and strutting around, not having to shoot themselves up with blood thinners and keep calendar reminders of the 10 different medications necessary to have a healthy pregnancy. How I wish to be one of those women without a care in the world, besides what color the nursery will be and who makes the best organic baby products. How I wish to be one of those women who feels relief after the three month mark, instead of deep unease of what the next six could bring. Hopefully my day will come where I can experience endless pregnancy joy, but until then I think I need to start listening to music during those walks of mine.

- Jennifer