Monday, June 9, 2014

The Space Between

I've been thinking a lot of the space between pregnancies. That horrendous time when you feel the rug was ripped out from under you, when it feels as though the last few months were a waste, when you are full of questions about what the hell just happened and what is in store for you next. It is also a time when you are completely unable to make any sort of plan for the future. The inability to move forward is a by-product of pregnancy loss one doesn't think of until, well, they are in it. Friends will ask if you can join them on holiday in six months and you will respond with a shrug and a "depends where I am" kind of answer. Summer comes around along with the inevitable “hey, any vacation plans?”, and you shrug your shoulders again trying to sound really excited about your “staycation” and the long weekends you have planned. The future is up in the air because you have no idea if you will be pregnant. And if you are, then you are most likely high-risk which means you probably can't fly (at least in the first trimester). Any attempt at solidifying a plan is pointless. At least it feels that way. And let me take it one step further, this feeling of immobility is largely due to the fact that after a miscarriage (or several) you become completely consumed with getting pregnant again. That is numero uno on your list of priorities, so the whole cycle is vicious beyond belief.  You and your partner don't want to fritter away any more time, so you feel as though you are running against the clock. The space between is a total mind f*$# (excuse my French), and there are moments when it feels worse than the actual miscarriage.
I actually don't have an antidote to this, though I wish I did. In the past I have tried to enjoy life as much as possible with a nice vacation with my husband, maybe treating myself to something that I probably couldn't wear if I were pregnant, etc... But it all just feels like empty gestures. We go through the motions one by one, trying to talk ourselves into "isn't life great!" and “I'm just going to enjoy myself!", when in reality we have a monkey on our back we can’t shake until that missing puzzle piece is finally found.
What about you guys? What do you do during this time and how do you handle it?

- Jennifer

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