Landmines

In keeping with our weekly "Landmines" feature I thought I would lighten the mood after yesterday's post. Below is a pretty excruciating (and kind of hilarious) exchange I had with a doctor a few years ago. You just can't make this stuff up!

Scene: The maternal fetal health department of a certain well known NYC hospital.  My OB sent me to have a 3D ultrasound due to a scare I had that week.

Me: (Lying on the table, freaking out but trying to be calm and NOT looking at the ultrasound monitor).

"Doctor": Hmmmmmmm well, there's no heartbeat. What a bummer.

Me: I'm sorry what?

"Doctor": Yup, no heartbeat. Man that is such a bummer. 

Me: (Trying to not cry, throw up or wring her neck- not necessarily in that order) Are you kidding me?

"Doctor": Wish I was. But you have kids already right?

Me: Ummmm no.

"Doctor": Oh man. How old are you? 33? You don't have ANY kids? Oh that is terrible. You are going to need to get this taken care of immediately by the way. It really is such a bummer (she makes a sad face).

Me: Uhhh yeah you could say that.

SO, that happened. But guess what also happened later that same day? After replaying the interaction over and over in my head, I had this overwhelming urge that I MUST help women in my situation. This doctor made it clear that women who suffer from pregnancy loss are sadly misunderstood and often overlooked, sometimes even by their own health care providers. Looking back I am actually grateful for that exchange; without it I don't know if this blog would exist. Talk about "finding the gold" huh?

- Jennifer

Starting Over

Recently, I was sitting in my doctor's office with my husband as we hashed out the protocol for my next pregnancy.  Then, I had a minor internal breakdown. There came a point in the conversation when the doctor asked when we were thinking of starting again, and I sort of went catatonic. My husband was looking at me, and for a moment I really thought I lost the ability to move my mouth. Both of us have done the soul searching and I have meditated on whether I can really try this again. In the past I disregarded how I was REALLY feeling because all I wanted to do was erase the previous loss from my mind as quickly as possible.  This, despite what my gut was telling me. So I spent the last few months really analyzing how I was feeling. Can my body and mind maneuver around all the anxieties, medications, and doctor appointments involved in a high risk pregnancy? The answer was yes. I was certain. I think. I knew eventually the lofty plans we made with our doctor would have to be implemented; but all of a sudden, shit just got real. I silently freaked out. The abstract idea of starting over was exactly that, abstract. Logically I knew we would eventually have to put all this into action, but I deluded myself into thinking that all this was such a long way off. I don't know why I was thinking this, at 35 I'm not exactly getting any younger. I left my doctor's office and decided to walk home, so I could do some serious thinking. I was asking myself, “Can I really do this again?” Making the decision to start over is so tough, because you already know the variables. You literally experienced some of the worst case scenarios. Yet, you and your partner are willing to muster the little bit of courage you have left because there is still the slightest bit of hope lingering.  But how do you muster the energy to get back on the roller coaster? And can you go into this less than 100% ready? Would 98% be sufficient? All I know from my experience is that I don’t want to live a life where regret and “what if’s” are in my mind. If my husband and I were to decide enough is enough I know in my gut I will always wonder.  So, at some point in the near future we are going to strap ourselves in again and hope that this roller coaster ride we have been on for four years will finally have a great ending.

- Jennifer

You're Pregnant? Great! See You in 20 Years

I was talking with an old friend of mine on the phone the other day when she asked if I had seen/spoken to a mutual friend who just announced her pregnancy. I said that I will catch up with said friend when her kid is in high school. She laughed, I laughed, but secretly I was thinking, "Wait, why CAN'T I wait 14 years?"
After any trauma there is a certain amount of what I will call "down time" that I think is completely acceptable. And that definitely goes for after a miscarriage. In my opinion, you can do whatever you want, eat whatever you want and say whatever you want. You can avoid any and all social gatherings without feeling a pang of guilt. But at a certain point you eventually have to come around, whether you like it or not. I am sort of in that stage right now. It's been four months since my last pregnancy loss and I am still kind of acting like it just happened. I am living in a land of woe is me with a passport and one-way ticket to bitterness. Which brings me back to my point; I am eventually going to have to interact with humanity, specifically those who are pregnant. I don't look forward to them patting their bulging stomachs while hearing all about their hemorrhoids, swollen feet and insomnia. Side note: Who knew that I would actually be sort of jealous of someone having hemorrhoids? But I do know that if I don't come back to the land of the living (and pregnant) soon I may not have any friends to come back to.

- Jennifer

Landmines

Over the years Kira and I have laughed at either people or situations that have seriously made us wonder if the universe was conspiring against us. There have been so many instances where both of us have had conversations with people that left us scratching our heads thinking, "Did she really say that?" So there came a point when I started to keep a list of what I affectionately called "Landmines".  These situations have at times made me feel even worse about being a repeater in terms of pregnancy loss, but in hindsight also made me chuckle. So, we thought it would be kind of fun/ funny to include them here on our blog. If any of you have some real winners please feel free to share. Hopefully these will make you laugh and feel a little less alone, or at the very least start to question the intelligence of some people. This week I will start with one that still makes me say "Hmmmmm."


After having had three miscarriages, one of them in my 2nd trimester, an old friend of mine sent me a 5 minute PowerPoint presentation announcing her third pregnancy complete with ultrasound images set to music that was one part Enya and one part Celine Dion. Which in my opinion equals horrendous on all fronts.

- Jennifer

In Response

I wanted to respond to Jennifer's post since I think it brings up a very sensitive issue that can be difficult to handle. Let me share my experience regarding friendships and miscarriage; I hope that it helps you with your relationships.
Let me start by saying I have truly wonderful friends, however, the friends who eventually disappeared from my life were the ones who felt that they had to offer a "fix" for the miscarriage, and then got annoyed with me if I declined their "help" which were suggestions such as these:  "Why don't you just adopt?" or "Just think of the fun you'll have trying again!" or "Why don't you just give it up? "
Anything that wreaked of fixing was suspect to me. When someone asked how I was or what was new, I would hesitate answering. Were I truthful I was possibly subjecting my sensitive and raw self to insensitive "fixing" suggestions when all I needed was a hug, a bit of sympathy and a willingness to listen. Mind you I was not wallowing in grief or self pity, I was understandably sad and most likely waiting for my raging pregnancy hormones to die down. In the end, the friends I kept were not narcissistic and behaved in a related and compassionate way. And while I work with pregnant women with joy, I give myself permission not to attend baby showers. Ever.
My advice? Continually give yourself permission to avoid "shoulds". For example, just because your friend had a baby doesn't mean you "should" visit her in the hospital. Always check in with your heart and react from truth. In the end it is important to be good to yourself, no punishment. Some situations might end up being a lot easier than you can imagine if you come from a place of honesty.

- Kira