Starting Over

Recently, I was sitting in my doctor's office with my husband as we hashed out the protocol for my next pregnancy.  Then, I had a minor internal breakdown. There came a point in the conversation when the doctor asked when we were thinking of starting again, and I sort of went catatonic. My husband was looking at me, and for a moment I really thought I lost the ability to move my mouth. Both of us have done the soul searching and I have meditated on whether I can really try this again. In the past I disregarded how I was REALLY feeling because all I wanted to do was erase the previous loss from my mind as quickly as possible.  This, despite what my gut was telling me. So I spent the last few months really analyzing how I was feeling. Can my body and mind maneuver around all the anxieties, medications, and doctor appointments involved in a high risk pregnancy? The answer was yes. I was certain. I think. I knew eventually the lofty plans we made with our doctor would have to be implemented; but all of a sudden, shit just got real. I silently freaked out. The abstract idea of starting over was exactly that, abstract. Logically I knew we would eventually have to put all this into action, but I deluded myself into thinking that all this was such a long way off. I don't know why I was thinking this, at 35 I'm not exactly getting any younger. I left my doctor's office and decided to walk home, so I could do some serious thinking. I was asking myself, “Can I really do this again?” Making the decision to start over is so tough, because you already know the variables. You literally experienced some of the worst case scenarios. Yet, you and your partner are willing to muster the little bit of courage you have left because there is still the slightest bit of hope lingering.  But how do you muster the energy to get back on the roller coaster? And can you go into this less than 100% ready? Would 98% be sufficient? All I know from my experience is that I don’t want to live a life where regret and “what if’s” are in my mind. If my husband and I were to decide enough is enough I know in my gut I will always wonder.  So, at some point in the near future we are going to strap ourselves in again and hope that this roller coaster ride we have been on for four years will finally have a great ending.

- Jennifer