Tuesday, March 11, 2014

In Response

I wanted to respond to Jennifer's post since I think it brings up a very sensitive issue that can be difficult to handle. Let me share my experience regarding friendships and miscarriage; I hope that it helps you with your relationships.
Let me start by saying I have truly wonderful friends, however, the friends who eventually disappeared from my life were the ones who felt that they had to offer a "fix" for the miscarriage, and then got annoyed with me if I declined their "help" which were suggestions such as these:  "Why don't you just adopt?" or "Just think of the fun you'll have trying again!" or "Why don't you just give it up? "
Anything that wreaked of fixing was suspect to me. When someone asked how I was or what was new, I would hesitate answering. Were I truthful I was possibly subjecting my sensitive and raw self to insensitive "fixing" suggestions when all I needed was a hug, a bit of sympathy and a willingness to listen. Mind you I was not wallowing in grief or self pity, I was understandably sad and most likely waiting for my raging pregnancy hormones to die down. In the end, the friends I kept were not narcissistic and behaved in a related and compassionate way. And while I work with pregnant women with joy, I give myself permission not to attend baby showers. Ever.
My advice? Continually give yourself permission to avoid "shoulds". For example, just because your friend had a baby doesn't mean you "should" visit her in the hospital. Always check in with your heart and react from truth. In the end it is important to be good to yourself, no punishment. Some situations might end up being a lot easier than you can imagine if you come from a place of honesty.

- Kira

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