Early Dismissal!

Hi Everyone!
We are starting our Christmas vacation a bit early, but we will be back after the new year don't you worry.
Wishing all of you a lovely (and healthy) holiday season and cheers to 2015!

Jennifer and Kira

Podcast Love

I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of discussion surrounding pregnancy loss and the impact it has on the self as well as relationships. Last week I posted a link to an article that I thought was really smart, featuring a man's point of you, which is almost unheard of. This week I want to share a link to a podcast from "The Longest Shortest Time" (a podcast definitely worth checking out). I don't want to give too much away but this particular episode centers around a miscarriage and the inability to discuss it with your partner. I love podcasts (hello Serial!) so when I came across this particular one I was intrigued. Take a listen at http://bit.ly/1ugC2ND and let me know what you think!

- Jennifer

The Other Side of Things

After a pregnancy loss most of the attention is on the mother, understandably so, however the partner is often times overlooked and going through their own pain and grief that is just as unbearable. I always made sure that my husband was being heard and felt safe expressing what he was feeling, because I could literally sense his sadness as deeply as I felt my own. I knew he was hurting and I cried for him as much as I cried for myself and our loss. I always felt that the partner kind of got the short end of the stick in these situations and deserved to be heard just as much as the grieving mother which is why I loved this article from O Magazine. It is really lovely because it is written from the male perspective, which is just as important to hear...

- Jennifer

Blue Christmas.... and Thanksgiving... and Easter....

Below is a post that I wrote around this time last year after yet another miscarriage. I didn't know that a blog was in my future, but I felt like getting my thoughts down on paper since the grief my husband and I were going through- around Christmas no less- was suffocating. I saved it and thought now would be a good time to share it with all of you. This is a tough season, one that is centered around constantly being "joyful" and it is also considered a children's holiday- sort of a double whammy if you are dealing with a pregnancy loss. I really hope that my experience helps some of you...
                                                                      
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My miscarriages are always so ill-timed. Well, I guess there is never a good time, but mine always happen right before a holiday. The pattern was right around Easter, which (bonus!) always seems to be right near Mother's Day, and Thanksgiving. But last year after so much optimism and excitement, the rug was pulled out from under from me three weeks before Christmas. My husband and I were feeling so euphoric and looked forward to having my first trimester end right around the New Year. We thought it was such a fitting way to celebrate the holiday season; it all felt so serendipitous. Unfortunately the universe had other plans, and last year we found ourselves in a state of such disappointment and depression that my anger took over. I was so pissed that yet again loss was going to crap all over my favorite time of year. That my husband and I couldn't catch a break, and would have to spend another holiday season opening Christmas cards from friends with their kids on the front, knowing that another year has passed us by without children. 
I was venting my frustration to Kira shortly after and she said to me, "Take it back. Take back the holiday. Each day take something back for yourself." I thought about it and realized that it was the perfect piece of advice. I was just angry enough that it helped me get to a point of retaliation. I wanted to get back at the universe and assume some sort of control. Each day I tried something small;  I baked cookies, I pulled out the Christmas decorations, and unabashedly listened to Wham's "Last Christmas" on repeat. Though I still cried every day and had a difficult time reconciling that my expectations and hopes were yet again thwarted by reality, I also realized that my husband and I were alive and healthy. We were together, our marriage and love stronger than ever. Even though we would have to, yet again, go through another holiday without a child, we at least had each other. And to me that was worth celebrating.

-  Jennifer

Turkey Hiatus

Hello everyone!
We are going to be taking the week off from the blog but promise to have a brand spanking new post when Kira returns from Italy and I crawl out from under all the pumpkin pie I plan on eating.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American readers!

- Jennifer and Kira

Re-Post

After speaking to an old friend the other day I was inspired to put this particular post back up. Enjoy!

I Choose My Choice!

Sorry for the Sex and the City reference, I couldn't help myself. But let's be honest, don't all roads lead back to Sex and the City?
One of the things Kira and I hope we convey through this blog is not only "finding the gold", unearthing a silver lining in an otherwise bleak situation, but also show examples of two women who have experienced similar situations, who then took different paths. My husband and I are still in the process of trying to find a way to make this all work, while Kira and her husband bravely decided that in the end what mattered most was they had one another, and went on to build a beautiful and fulfilling life together. There is no one way to live a life, but if you are willing to be authentic to yourself, then you have the opportunity to live your best one. The volatile ride of baby making can be utterly exhausting. It is depleting emotionally, physically as well as financially. Choosing your choice, your truest one imaginable (whatever that may be), is always the bravest and most rewarding action you can ever take.
I recently had this epiphany after speaking with a woman I was serendipitously introduced to. She and her husband experienced tremendous fertility issues years ago, before the majority of medical advances we are so fortunate to take part in today were widely available. She and her husband decided they could live a rich life without children and went on to do just that. Each has experienced incredible success in their respective careers and they fill their life with adventure and deep personal connections. She went on to say, even though they don’t have their own children and she is not a "mother" in the traditional sense; she has cultivated relationships with people of all ages that find her in a maternal role. This has been incredibly satisfying; despite the fact this kind of mother is not necessarily recognized in our society. I asked if there was ever a moment of regret, she went on to say there were times early on when she felt "less than" by certain people, but realized that perhaps those weren't the relationships she needed in her life. Once she and her husband created the supportive "family" they now have they never looked back. It was an inspiring conversation, one I continue to think of to this day. I realized that regardless of the individual choices we make concerning motherhood and our own fertility struggles, and whether or not we choose to have children, adopt or take advantage of science to help us conceive, supporting one another is what it's all about.  There is plenty of room for all of us at the table. What a beautiful thing!

- Jennifer 

Landmine

Sitting in a waiting room (why is it always in a waiting room?) with about 30 other women, I somehow drew the straw of picking the seat next to a couple that just LOVES to hear themselves talk. You know the type right?  People who speak way too loudly and reveal information that is really best for a more intimate setting, as in their own home. I got stuck next to these two yesterday and what ticked me off the most was this exchange:

Undesirable Woman: "OMG this baby is kicking higher than our other baby. Isn't that funny!? By the way everyone here still rememembers me! Isn't that funny!? I guess it hasn't been that long since our other baby."

Undesirable Man: "Oh that IS funny, it was only 17 months between!"

Undesirable Woman: "No it was 18 months!"

Undesirable Man: "No it was 17!"

Aren't you annoyed right now just listening to this story? They went back and forth on this for another few minutes. I wanted to strangle them and the woman across from me, who looked as though she was having a very bad day, looked as though she actually could impart bodily harm. I am not sure which part of them irked me most, what they were saying or their complete inability to modulate their own voices. The thing is, you don't know what the person next to you or across from you has gone through, broadcasting how "gosh darn lucky" you have been on the procreation front is tone-deaf and juvenile.

Here is a PSA: When you are sitting in a packed waiting room with a bunch of hormonal women try to keep your mouth shut. Or at the very least, know your audience.

- Jennifer

Hope Over Experience

How to get through a pregnancy with sanity and grace when the calendar is marked by gravestones of past failed pregnancies? The eight week marker, twelve week marker, the nuchal fold test, the 20 week anatomy scan....
I have watched my patients rob themselves of the joy of pregnancy; of the "ooh, ooh our baby!”- Frantic instead of ecstatic at each sonogram. How to overcome the fear of loss and bond with the growing fetus when every turn lurks loss and danger? Trust is hard to come by but indeed, necessary.
Celebrate each marker, every turning point, and acknowledge that life outside the womb is also a scary place. We handle those with ease (usually) but as it pertains to those entrusted to our care, what mind shift must take place to garner a bit of that pregnancy bliss? Perhaps it starts with teaching the child in utero from the very beginning, that we ride the wave of life despite what and where it tosses us. 

- Kira

That Awkward Moment

A reader reminded me of a rather unfortunate situation that can occur after a miscarriage; the moment you run into someone, usually a casual acquaintance, who asks how your baby is. Oy. Total nightmare. This reader confessed that it happened to her recently and she was so tongue tied, she almost fainted with relief when her husband swooped in and rescued her from the conversation- and  presumably headed for the bar. A few years back I was face to face with an inquiring friend of a friend, who without knowing, casually asked how motherhood was going.  I had not seen this particular person in over a year, and didn't even realize that this was something that I was going to have to confront that evening. Luckily I had a glass of wine in my system already and was able to calmly state that "unfortunately things didn't go as planned". She was unable to find the words to respond so I just told her not to worry about it and then excused myself. It was totally awful and horrible and sort of felt like a punch to the gut. This is just one of those things that you don't really think about after a late pregnancy loss. Sure, you have to brace yourself and have those conversations with friends, family and colleagues immediately after the horrific loss, but months or even years later you don't realize that it can creep back up when you least expect it.  Awkward indeed.

- Jennifer

Don't Judge Me

So October 15th, Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, came and went along with all my good intentions. A few weeks ago I wrote of this day of remembrance and how I was planning to light a candle as a way to honor my own miscarriage history. Did I do that? Nope! I did however read an incredibly honest piece by Dr. Jessica Zucker in the New York Times (you can find if here) and I even retweeted it on Twitter, so I guess I did accomplish something. But why didn't I truly take the time as I had intended? Sure I had a very busy day which had me at all corners of Manhattan, but when I returned home last evening I could have at the very least lit a candle. I mistakenly identified my ambivalence for healing, I have moved on- finally! Well in the light of day I realized that I have not moved on, I have however moved back into my pattern of attempting to erase anything that I deem "unpleasant". Me! The person that started a blog on pregnancy loss! The person that is constantly making declarations that we must be "more honest", blah blah blah. Well, if there is one thing that October 15th did, it made me realize that the road to healing is a long one indeed. I guess no one is perfect- even the person writing this blog.
I hope all of you were able to find your own way to honor your own history yesterday.

- Jennifer

Grief in Five Steps

With Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day just around the corner (October 15th), we wanted to share with you a great piece written by Psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker. It "reframes pregnancy loss" and we feel hits every feeling that most women expeience and struggle with. Please find the link below and tell us your thoughts. Also, will any of you be doing something to honor or remember your previous pregnancy losses? If so we would love to hear how you have chosen to do so...

http://modernloss.com/pregnancy-loss/

-Jennifer and Kira

The Grey Area

A lot of times after a pregnancy loss you feel the urge to isolate and blame yourself- all perfectly natural reactions. There is also the tendency to feel as though it is "you vs. them", the "them" being those who seem to have no problem with their pregnancies. After reading this piece on medium.com I realized that things are not always so black and white, so we wanted to share this with all of you.

- Jennifer & Kira

Landmine

We have not written a "Landmine" post in quite a while, and to be honest I am not even sure if this is considered one. You might (correctly) classify this as me just bitching- and you would probably be right. But, a few weeks ago I found myself in a doctor's office, and on the other side of the curtain I could hear a woman and her husband having a conversation with their nurse- so much for patient confidentiality!  Anyway it was for my benefit, because listening to this woman first caused me to roll my eyes, then I was tempted to pull back the curtain and channel Cher from Moonstruck by smacking her in the face while screaming, "Snap out of it!"  I am not one to gossip, BUT it appears this woman had a very big problem, the "big" part of this story was her baby. The nurse apparently made the mistake of noting that the baby she was about to give birth to at any moment, was a little "on the bigger side". Well, that threw this 100 lb woman into such a state you would have thought they found out her child was half dragon.  She kept saying, "But how can this be? I workout and eat really healthy! I do SoulCycle! Why is my baby almost 8lbs! I don't understand!!!" This went on for 10 minutes. Then it got me thinking- the last several years of heartache have no doubt been extremely difficult, but in a way I am really thankful for the lessons I have learned, because when you go through the absolute worst you really start to appreciate the smallest of gestures. I felt for this woman, she was so stuck in her own world and unable to see what an absolute gift she was being given, a big healthy baby, that all she could do was focus on the optics of it all. There are some days when I look back and wish I could erase all that has happened, all the tears and sadness, but on that particular day I said a big thank you- because I know when I have my moment of being close to giving birth I will be eternally grateful- big baby and all.

- Jennifer

Fifteen Stories

You guys have to read this article from New York Magazine. They spoke with fifteen women regarding their own miscarriages, and it is as heartbreaking as it is eye opening. I think all of us here are very well aware that this is a topic not discussed nearly enough, so hats off to the writer for bringing these incredible stories to the public. I am sure it was not easy for these women to share their experiences, but as we all know, sharing sometimes helps bring healing.

- Jennifer

Revisiting an Oldie but Goodie

It appears to be shower season, and due to that I have received a lot of emails and notes about what a frustrating experience it can be for someone still grieving from a loss. I thought perhaps it was a good time to revisit a post on just that topic from several months ago. And to all you having to suffer through another "celebrity baby name" game- may the force be with you.

Baby Shower Anxiety

Over the last week or so we have received a few emails from fellow readers all on the same topic: baby showers. Some have expressed anxiety over shopping for a baby gift after their own miscarriage, and some have found it difficult to imagine sitting next to a heavily pregnant friend "oohing" and "ahhing" over burp cloths and breast pumps. I feel your pain. Since my first miscarriage four years ago I have been invited to my fair share of baby showers, baptisms and "meet the baby" parties. Before I met Kira I went to all of them (even if the end result was me hysterically crying in the back of a cab, shoving pacifier shaped cookies in my mouth). I remember the dread I felt after receiving numerous baby shower invitations, which somehow always arrived after my own pregnancy loss. One day I mentioned to Kira I had a friend's shower to attend, and I was feeling particularly anxious about it. I remember exactly what happened next.  She looked me in the eye and confidently said, "Don't go! Give yourself permission to not go!" I looked at her as if she was some sort of heretic. Of course I had to go! It was so-and-so's shower; I couldn't NOT go. So I kept RSVP'ing "Yes", put on a happy face and showed up. But after I experienced an 18 week miscarriage everything changed. I couldn't keep up the facade any longer and let's face it; it would have been a thinly veiled attempt that everyone would have seen right through.  I realized Kira was on to something, I didn't have to go. More than that my true friends would not only understand, but wouldn't want me to experience any more emotional discomfort or sadness than I already experienced. So I started to RSVP "No" with a kind note and then I would send a baby blanket. FYI: I have found these gifts to be pretty benign in the emotional heart strings department. Baby blankets aren't adorable little booties. They aren't sweet little outfits from Crewcuts. Catch my drift? Baby blankets- that's where it's at. Better yet, have a friend send it for you.
I'm sure some people rolled their eyes and found my absence to be "melodramatic". But for the first time in my life I didn't care.  I started making decisions based on what felt best for me, not on what I "should" do and what was "expected".
The takeaway here? Listen to yourself. If the idea of playing "celebrity baby name" games and passing around baby food processors make you want to put a hot poker in your eye, stay home. But if you do choose to go, at least snag a few cookies on your way out the door. Those might come in handy.

- Jennifer 

October 15th

Yesterday I was on Twitter and noticed someone posted a note on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which this year falls on October 15th. I must admit my ignorance as I never heard of this particular day of observance. I was intrigued and did a little research; I went on to learn that this was a movement designated by President Ronald Reagan all the way back in 1988. In addition, the month of October was also designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The day itself became one of remembrance and observance in 2002 and has spread throughout not only the United States but also the UK, Canada, Australia and Italy. The day is observed with ceremonies and candle-lighting and a worldwide lighting of candles occurs at 7pm.
I was really touched when I read more about this particular day and thought it would be of interest to some of you. Throughout the year certain "anniversaries" pop up and memories of a pregnancy loss and the subsequent grief that followed, can cast a pall over the day or even an entire season. I know for me, after a late and devastating miscarriage in November of 2010, autumn (which used to be my favorite time of year) is one I have started to hate. For me it just feels eerie and there are one too many awful memories associated with the fall season. In the past I never really knew how to channel all of that sadness, perhaps this year I will turn it around and light a candle on October 15th, not just for the soul that didn't make it, but for all the others.
Everyone handles grief and mourning in their own way, and some don't recognize it at all (ahem). But perhaps this year it will be comforting to know that on one special day there will be millions of other women lighting candles and taking a moment to recognize their losses and the pain they have triumphed over. Maybe it will give all of you not only a little bit of inspiration, but peace as well.

- Jennifer

End of Summer Hiatus

Hi everyone!

We are on holiday for the long Labor Day weekend, but will be back next week.

Hope all of you enjoy the end of the summer!

- Jennifer and Kira

Motherlode

The New York Times has a great column called "Motherlode" which focuses on topics such as parenting, fertility issues, maternal struggles and a whole host of other subjects. Last Sunday, an incredibly thoughtful piece on one woman's experience with pregnancy loss and grieving was published. I thought the author accurately explained the conflicting emotions a woman and her partner can experience while trying to climb the mountain of sadness and grief.  I thought it was the perfect thing to share with all of you, and I hope it provides some comfort while you heal...

- Jennifer

New Moms Gone Wild

Yesterday we received a lovely and hilarious note from a reader we shall call Barbara, thanking us for the blog and sharing a pet peeve that has, well, peeved her. She explained how during her morning run in her local park she has been confronted with the "annoying mob of new mom workout groups".  I laughed and then thought, Barbara are you following me?  I am not sure if our loyal reader is a fellow New Yorker, but this is a phenomenon that has puzzled me, to say the least. Is this a thing? Most mornings you will find me in Central Park doing what I like to call my "old lady" walk around the Great Lawn. It is a time for me to get the blood flowing and feel as though I actually worked out.  Lately my walks have been disturbed by what I can only describe as a roving gang of new moms, usually lead by a squealing and obnoxious man yelling at them to "suck in their bellies and their tush's!" In fact, it was just this morning that I suddenly felt as though I was being followed during my "workout".  I turned my head and realized there were 10-12 women barreling down behind me doing, well, I don't know exactly what they were doing. It was sort of a half- run, half -lunge, half -skipping, half -leaning thing- all bat shit crazy in my opinion. They did this while pushing strollers of screaming babies and listening to orders being yelled out by the most insufferable little man I have ever seen or heard. Ticked off, I turned on my heel in a huff and walked the other way, annoyed that this mass of people just ruined the one thing I enjoy every day. I was fuming and started to wonder if this is something that would bother me if I had an army of children of my own. I quickly realized yes, yes it would. Though perhaps I would feel a little more sympathy for the new moms and their much deserved need to squeeze in a workout, all while attempting to foster relationships with women in the same boat. That I can get behind. What bothers me most is having to endure all these conflicting emotions and resentment while I try to carve a little bit of peace for myself. That and having to listen to a barking man yell at a bunch of new moms to "pick up the pace and shush those babies!" So Barbara, you are not alone my friend. And if you are a New Yorker, look out for me in the mornings, maybe we can trip that little guy and watch him fall on his own tush!


-Jennifer

How to Not Have a Breakdown

Let me clarify, as we actually encourage breakdowns- they kind of get you back to neutral don't you think? The breakdown I am speaking of is the one that barrels down on you after your close friend announces she is pregnant. Maybe you know the feeling? You just had a miscarriage, or several, and during what is supposed to be a fun night out you notice your dear friend doesn't order a glass of wine. And she always orders a glass of wine. Immediately your mind starts to go haywire because you know exactly what this means. So you start to rehearse your escape route- if you can make a dash for the door now perhaps you won't have to hear the words coming out of her mouth. But all of the sudden it's happening and you can't stop it. You force a smile, gulp your tears down and give her a hug- while reaching for your wine as quickly as possible. If she isn't drinking someone should, and that someone should be you! You make it through your dinner, trying to ask thoughtful questions and carry on as though you aren't bothered in the least, but you are counting down the minutes when you can sprint out of the restaurant, jump in a cab and start crying. I have been there so many times I can't even count at this point. And I'm not the only one, as I have seen my husband try to maneuver his way around this situation (with a bit more grace then me) on several occasions. Let's face it, it's not easy. Hopefully your friend is gentle in her delivery and understands how awkward this is for you. But, there is a change in dynamic that neither of you can deny. So how do you get through this, besides avoiding your friend for nine months (which by the way I have done- not the best strategy). Below is an attempt to help all of you avoid the mistakes I made in the past:

• Let it All Out. Jump into that cab and cry, then go home and throw a few things. You have to process these feelings- just make sure your blinds are closed.

• Be Honest. Once you have "processed your feelings", perhaps it is time for a little heart to heart with your friend. When you are ready, start off by saying how happy you are for her, but then explain that this is going to be a bit of a learning curve for both of you. You will try your best to be the good friend you are, but help her understand that there may be some difficult moments along the way.

• Be Honest: Part Two. Acknowledge you are going to have a few moments where some unpleasant characters are going to rear their ugly head (namely jealousy and anger). It's bound to happen, just be gentle with yourself.

• Know Thyself. If you know attending certain baby-to-be events are going to upset you, be up front with your friend and tell her it might not be the best venue for you. Believe me, she will understand. Also, no one wants someone crying in the corner eating all the cake.

•  Find an Outlet: Your friend is soon going to be sporting a baby bump and experiencing moments that you imagined for yourself; which makes this experience that much more heart-wrenching for you. It will stir up emotions that you thought you were long over and bring up new ones you didn't know you had. Find a neutral friend, a really good therapist, or your own partner to work through those feelings with. Believe it or not, this is all going to help you heal. The universe has a funny way of letting you know when you haven't fully gotten over something by getting right in your face.

In the end, remember you are both human and this is a tricky situation. You have been through hell and back and most likely your expecting friend was by your side along the way. If you both come from a place of honesty and love (for one another and yourself) it can end up strengthening your friendship. And if all else fails, a few glasses of wine never hurt anyone.

- Jennifer