It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Ughhhhh. Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. Love my mother, love my mothers-in-law, just loathe Mother's Day. Every year it seems this holiday gets bigger and bigger, and every year I feel like I am on the outside looking in; as if I have a permanent seat at the kid's table.  Is it just me, or is this holiday on steroids this year? Every channel on TV, every radio program, every commercial, every store front- even Duane Reade is ALL about Mother's Day. I can't even shop online. Oh the horror! But seriously, it isn't even the commercialized sentiment that annoys me, it's the fact that I am totally left out of this thing! I love holidays, I love getting gifts, why can't I get in on this? My husband tells me I have a tendency to "mother" everyone. Well if that's the case then I DEFINITELY think I should get some flowers as well as a nice piece of jewelry. Why do people with kids get to have all the fun?  I may just send myself a nice bouquet of flowers as a pat on the back for all the mothering I do. Because in the end, I think this day should be more about thanking the women in your life who take such good care of you (and vice versa) than whether or not you gave birth.
So on that note, happy Mother's Day to you all!

- Jennifer

On Healing

One of the main reasons Kira and I started this blog was to connect with other women who are in the midst of healing from pregnancy loss. Through sharing our experiences and humorous musings our goal is for you to read a blog post and say to yourself, "That happened to me too!"  We think there is nothing quite like commiserating with others. However, there is another goal for us, we want to show you how important it is to truly heal after loss. The emotional toll a miscarriage takes on one's psyche and body can have long lasting effects if not treated with respect.  This is a lesson I learned from Kira and it has had a profound effect on my own healing. One of the methods that she has taught me is meditation. I admit I am still not great at it, but I have noticed after each pregnancy loss how comforting it is. And after such a physical and emotional trauma, comfort is the name of the game.  I am pleased to say that Kira was more than thrilled to share with you a little meditation she has used with me and others. We hope you will take this with you and hold it in your heart whenever you need a little love. So, without further ado...

- Jennifer


A Healing Meditation- By Kira

Meditation is a powerful tool for transformation. It can change brain chemistry and redirect negative thoughts. For me, transformation was always the goal rather than remaining stuck in a sorrowful and bitter place. It is widely known that meditation can relax the body and mind as well as lower anxiety, but meditation can also lower blood pressure, respiratory rates as well as blood cortisol levels.

The meditation below can be "active", meaning it can be said while walking, or in the more traditional pose of sitting or lying down. Follow what your own energy level is. Placing your hands on your stomach while doing the meditation can be helpful as well since it pulls good energy to your center, an area that experiences an energy shift after loss. Which is why meditation is so wonderful, it is all about redirecting energy.

"With immense sorrow I send back this soul to the universe. With joy I ask that the right one for us be sent soon. I pray that the hole in my center be filled with life and pray we enjoy our life together through that time."

This meditation centers around bringing hope back to the life you share with your partner. Feel free to add other words or imagery that you connect with.

I hope this meditation brings you healing and peace.

- Kira

Our Spare Bedroom is Mocking Me

My husband and I are really lucky to live in a two bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, one block away from Central Park. Sort of ideal for having a family wouldn't you say? I sure would. That second bedroom though, something most people in New York City would kill to have, is like a noose around my neck.  I simultaneously feel anger and disgust every time I walk by it. Who knew that a bedroom would stir such aggressive emotion? But for me it is emblematic of the sad fact that I am still in the same place I was four years ago. Sometimes I walk into the room and scowl at the desk that is residing where our changing table is supposed to be. I stare at the empty wall where the crib is to sit. The blueprint of our nursery has been in my mind's eye after so many fits and starts, that walking into this dumping ground of a second bedroom makes me want to take a sledgehammer to everything in it. I wholeheartedly resent the extra crap that is sitting there, as if all of the inanimate objects are some how mocking me. Every time I find out I am pregnant my husband and I stare at the room and say, "Well if this one doesn't work out maybe we will just turn this into a drug den!"  Humor really does lighten the mood wouldn't you say? Last month Kira wrote that using baby wipes is one of her daily reminders. What about all of you? Do you guys have an equivalent? Inquiring minds want to know!

- Jennifer

Landmines

This week I thought I would share with you a "landmine" I walked into several years ago. It was an interaction that I had with an old friend after another devastating pregnancy loss. We were in conversation, discussing what had just happened to me, when she nonchalantly (and obliviously) asked. "Why don't you just adopt?" She completely stopped me in my tracks. In my mind that was just the sort of "fixing" comment that I dreaded the most. My friend made it seem that they were just giving babies away for free! No mountain of paperwork, buckets of money, or trauma of paying for a pregnancy only to have the birth mother renege. Free babies right this way! What I needed in that moment was a hug and to hear, "I'm sorry."  Instead I felt as if she hurled a grenade right at my heart. Looking back, what I have found most interesting, was that some people around me were incredibly annoyed that I didn't heed their advice and run to the nearest adoption agency.  Alas, if only they knew years of fertility treatments can sort of tie someone's finances up.  Needless to say, these people were part of what I like to call "The Great Narcissistic Friend Purge". It was sad of course, but a necessary move which eventually made room for some incredible people.


- Kira

A Little Birdie Just Told Me....

That we are on Twitter! @FindingtheGold1 to be exact. Let's keep the conversation going shall we? Looking forward to seeing all of you there!

xx
Jennifer & Kira

Bump Watch

Does anyone else get really annoyed when a celebrity announces that they are having a baby? For some reason I become enraged and, admittedly, completely irrational. I actually said to my husband, "I can't believe Drew Barrymore, "Little Girl Lost", is having her second (fill in the blank) baby before I even had my first!"  He sort of just looked at me quizzically and (rightly so) kept his mouth shut.
I can't help but take it very personally. I literally think to myself, "How dare Drew decide to get pregnant. Doesn't she know that I have to have MY baby before SHE does!? She's so rude!" For the record I love Drew Barrymore, which goes to show how crazy I can get. And if it is a particularly busy week where multiple celebs confirm to Access Hollywood that they are expecting, well I pretty much lose my shit.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Or at least lie to me and make me feel better.

Case in point (though there are multiple reasons why this makes me lose my mind).


- Jennifer

Fear Factor

I take a walk in Central Park just about every morning. It is something I look forward to and it allows me a bit of alone time to sort through some of my “craziness”. This morning I happened to have two pregnant women walking behind me.  I overheard one of them giddily discussing nursery ideas and how she found really cute pregnancy clothes for herself. Normally in this situation I would "pull over" and let these two go ahead of me, but for some reason I decided against it. Listening to them talk of their wardrobe and nursery plans made me realize how I wish I could be that kind of woman. For someone like me, who has been pregnant several (unsuccessful) times, I have sadly become aware that if/when I do get pregnant again, the enthusiasm and buoyancy that most new mom's-to-be experience will most likely not be in the cards. A positive pregnancy test is thrilling for about 2.5 seconds, before the dread and worry set it in. Is this going to end up like all the others? Will my HCG count stay high? Will my progesterone levels dip? Will there be a heartbeat during my sonogram? The idea of being (somewhat) worry free and unaware of all the ways a pregnancy can go wrong is completely foreign to me. Discussing nursery ideas out loud with such certainty is so off the wall, I couldn't even imagine how to go about having that conversation. Of all the sad things that come with pregnancy loss, one of the hardest is realizing the innocence of a first time pregnancy is completely gone. Sure I will have moments of excitement but those will be fleeting, as the inevitable anxiety will set in. How I wish to be one of those women, pregnant and strutting around, not having to shoot themselves up with blood thinners and keep calendar reminders of the 10 different medications necessary to have a healthy pregnancy. How I wish to be one of those women without a care in the world, besides what color the nursery will be and who makes the best organic baby products. How I wish to be one of those women who feels relief after the three month mark, instead of deep unease of what the next six could bring. Hopefully my day will come where I can experience endless pregnancy joy, but until then I think I need to start listening to music during those walks of mine.

- Jennifer